Remote Patrol

A WOOLLY MYSTERY LONG IN THE TOOTH

2012-02-01T04:27:00.000-08:00

-- Talk about a cold case! "NOVA" (9 p.m., PBS, TV-G, check local listings) presents "Ice Age Death Trap," a tale of mass tragedy and forensic sleuthing spanning millennia. As on any "CSI" episode, we begin with a curious discovery. A construction worker in Colorado unearths something odd: a tooth so large it has to be held in two hands.

Experts from Denver descend on the site and discover a large cache of Ice Age fossils dating back more than 100,000 years. And the evidence points to a veritable zoo of prehistoric creatures: mastodons, saber-toothed tigers, camels, bison and ground sloths as big as modern-day elephants.

As on any "Bones," the jolt of discovery gives way to mystery and theorizing. How and why did so many creatures die in such a tight space and frequently die together? It would be unfair to reveal the solution to this murder mystery. Or at least the theoretical stab in that direction. But it's sufficient to say that our woolly friends had a sinking feeling before falling into the big sleep.

-- While it's hard to find a mastodon anywhere outside of a museum, some ancient creatures still walk, or slither, among us. And some have become just too close for comfort.

"Beast Tracker" (9 p.m., Discovery, TV-14) follows marine biologist Andrew West as he tries to capture prehistoric creatures like alligators, sharks and reptiles that have made life difficult and dangerous for the people living near them. Some of these interactions have occurred because people have moved into wild, undeveloped areas. Others occur when creatures like Burmese pythons are inadvertently transported from their native environment and become loose in populated neighborhoods. Some of these killers have been around for hundreds of millions of years, making the extinct woolly mammoths discussed on "NOVA" new kids on the block by comparison.

-- I'm always a tad confused about the rapture surrounding Super Bowl commercials and roundups like "Super Bowl's Greatest Commercials" (8 p.m., CBS, TV-PG).

On roughly 364 days a year, most people see commercials as interruptions, distractions and annoyances, widely employing their DVRs to avoid them. But one day a year, they become "interesting" and "special" and worthy of conversation. That makes TV advertisements a little like an unpleasant relative who visits once a year. You put out some snacks and soft drinks and exhibit your best behavior, yet that unwelcome feeling prevails, understood and unstated.

Hosted by former quarterback Boomer Esiason and Jillian Michaels, "Greatest" will allow viewers to vote live on their top 10 sponsors and brands.

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- The quest for the yellow ticket continues on "American Idol" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-PG).

-- A killer arranges his victims according to the compass on "Dark Minds" (10 p.m., ID, TV-14).

-- Dumpster-diving artists take inspiration from an old Schwinn bicycle on "Dirty Money" (10:30, Planet Green).

CULT CHOICE

The City of Brotherly Love is the setting for two very different Oscar-winning movies that have stood the test of time. Sylvester Stallone stars in the 1976 boxing melodrama "Rocky" (8 p.m., TCM, TV-14), while Katharine Hepburn, Cary Grant and Jimmy Stewart shine in the 1940 romantic comedy "The Philadelphia Story" (10:15 p.m., TCM, TV-G).

SERIES NOTES

John Cleese guest-stars on "Whitney" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-14) ... Axl humiliates Sue on "The Middle" (8 p.m., ABC, r, TV-PG) ... Awaiting Nathan on "One Tree Hill" (8 p.m., CW, TV-14) ... A fiance gets cold feet on "Are You There, Chelsea?" (8:30 p.m., NBC, TV-14) ... Halloween on "Suburgatory" (8:30 p.m., ABC, r, TV-14).

A killer stalks Arizona on "Criminal Minds" (9 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... On two helpings of "Law & Order: SVU" (NBC, r, TV-14): a telling tattoo (9 p.m.), from here to paternity (10 p.m.) ... Sibling rivals on "Mobbed" (9 p.m., Fox, TV-PG) ... Quiet desperation on "Modern Family" (9 p.m., ABC, r, TV-14) ... Angry in Orlando on "Remodeled" (9 p.m., CW, TV-14) ... An awkward outing on "Happy Endings" (9:30 p.m., ABC, r, TV-14).

A mob museum becomes a crime scene on "CSI" (10 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... Unsettling evidence on "Revenge" (10 p.m., ABC, r, TV-14).

LATE NIGHT

Brad Pitt is scheduled on "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" (11 p.m., Comedy Central) ... Ringo Starr and Mark Moffett appear on "Conan" (11 p.m., TBS).

Howard Stern and The Airborne Toxic Event are booked on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS) ... Jay Leno welcomes Daniel Radcliffe, Vanessa Hudgens and Evanescence on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC) ... John Krasinski, Eloise Mumford and Gotye appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC).

Craig Ferguson hosts William Shatner on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

'KEY & PEELE' DEALS WITH RACE AND LITTLE ELSE

2012-01-31T04:06:00.000-08:00

-- Way back in another century, President Bill Clinton was called "the first black president." And it was Clinton who suggested that America needed to have a "conversation about race."

The new sketch comedy series "Key & Peele" (10:30 p.m., Comedy Central, TV-14) presents a nonstop conversation about race, racism and biracial identity. Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele were raised by black and white parents and exploit their backgrounds to lampoon racial attitudes, hip-hop cliches and the need of some men to "out-black" each other. Whether they do this out of fear, conformity, a need to intimidate or a combination of all three is the painful riddle at the center of most of Key and Peele's bits. Other sketches mine comedy from the habit guys have of talking "white" around women and white people.

A rapper based on Lil Wayne sings boastfully in a prison video until the other inmates quite literally cut him down to size. Two husbands dutifully acquiesce to their wives' every demand while speaking in bland suburban accents. They assume much louder and "blacker" voices when alone with each other, complaining about their frustrations. In a bit widely screened on YouTube, we see a dignified President Obama addressing the nation in calm tones, accompanied by an "anger translator" who becomes increasingly apoplectic while "interpreting" the president's message.

Like Key and Peele, the president is biracial. And he's often seen as someone who can't show frustration without appearing to be an angry black man to white critics who already think the worst of him.

There's no doubt that Key and Peele are touching on some sensitive nerves here, and having fun in a rather cerebral manner. I'm just not convinced that they aren't more "interesting" than funny. It also reminds us that other comics have dealt with race in the past. And while it was central to their acts and their identities, it was not the only subject in their routines. Buried in this first episode is a rather absurd parody of "MasterChef," a sketch that amusingly sends up reality TV and has nothing to do with race. "Key & Peele" should mix it up a little.

Speaking of the president, first lady Michelle Obama appears on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC) this evening.

-- As if to punish England for past transgressions, TLC introduces "Sorority Girls" (9 p.m.). It follows five American college students attempting to form Britain's first sorority while studying at Leeds in the U.K.

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- A bad thriller is off the wall on "Glee" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-14).

-- Nick's new pals on "New Girl" (9 p.m., Fox, TV-14).

-- Season finale of "Celebrity Wife Swap" (9 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

-- "American Experience" (9 p.m., PBS, check local listings) examines the legends surrounding Jesse James.

-- Games of chance on "Raising Hope" (9:30 p.m., Fox, TV-14).

-- Raylan runs up against a new crime boss on "Justified" (10 p.m., FX, TV-14).

CULT CHOICE

Barnabas (Jonathan Frid) returns to Collinwood in the 1970 movie soap adaptation "House of Dark Shadows" (10 p.m., TCM).

SERIES NOTES

An assassin targets Navy brass on "NCIS" (8 p.m., CBS, r, TV-PG) ... "The Biggest Loser" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-PG) ... On two helpings of "Last Man Standing" (ABC, r, TV-PG): naptime (8 p.m.), Halloween (8:30 p.m.) ... All-American rejects on "90210" (8 p.m., CW, TV-PG).

A car bomb kills a Marine on "NCIS: Los Angeles" (9 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... A fundraiser fraught with peril on "Ringer" (9 p.m., CW, TV-14).

A question of identity on "Unforgettable" (10 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... Cee Lo Green and Jason Ritter guest-star on "Parenthood" (10 p.m., NBC, r, TV-14) ... Anatomy of a crime scene on "Body of Proof" (10 p.m., ABC, r, TV-14).

LATE NIGHT

Stephen Merchant and Girls' Generation are booked on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS) ... Jay Leno welcomes Michelle Obama, Mark Harmon and Imelda May on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC) ... Martin Scorsese, Kenneth Branagh and Angels & Airwaves appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC).

Jeff Musial and J. Cole are on "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" (12:35 a.m., NBC) ... Craig Ferguson hosts Ringo Starr on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS).

IS REALITY TV A HORROR, OR MERELY HORRIBLE?

2012-01-30T04:02:00.001-08:00

-- Whenever reality TV shows bore me -- and that's practically all the time -- I like to reimagine them as grade-Z horror movies in the making. "The Bachelor" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-14) has always struck me as one fictional slasher short of entertaining: "She jumped in the hot tub, but she never got out! ... Then the warm, roiling bubbles turned as crimson as the rose she would never receive ..."

Now we're getting somewhere!

The new makeover series "The Amandas" (8 p.m., Style, TV-PG) doesn't quite rise to the level of horror, but it has the makings of a deeply disturbed psychological thriller.

Amanda LeBlanc is an attractive sorority type who was, we are told, one of the more renowned organizers and de-cluttering experts in New Orleans. Displaced by Hurricane Katrina, she relocated to Birmingham, Ala., where, she says, her business has thrived.

Only, her new outfit is not just about helping people clean out overstuffed closets. It's an all-encompassing cult of personality with very creepy overtones. Perky and humorless in the style of Temperance Brennan on "Bones," Amanda describes herself as a "perfectionist" and even claims she might be "a little OCD." She's shown micromanaging a tragically henpecked personal assistant, showing him how to put a spoon in a sugar bowl, "just so." Her attention to detail consumes her to the point that she's late getting out the door and driving her children to school.

Amanda would be tragic (and dull) enough on her own, but she has assembled a staff of self-described Southern belles with apparent self-esteem problems. It's not enough that they conform to her exacting and idiosyncratic standards; they must call themselves "Amandas," wondering aloud, "What would Amanda do?" They submit to the cult of Amanda in all ways. They have to renounce their own personalities and become a blank (or in this case, a "LeBlanc") slate before the dominant alpha female.

With a premise like this, an ordinary lifestyle show about organizing shelves seems a bit humdrum. This calls for the dark satire like the 1988 movie "Heathers" or, better still, the cheesy melodrama of a 1970s made-for-TV movie about covens. By the end of the proceedings, a young acolyte (I'd cast Kristy McNichol or Jodie Foster) must dispatch her tormentor (a pre-"Charlie's Angel" Kate Jackson, perhaps?) and take her rightful place before the bonfire as the faceless following chants her name: "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda!"

Now that's much more entertaining than something about purging your sock drawer!

-- Former Michigan Gov. Jennifer Granholm hosts "The War Room" (9 p.m., Vanguard), a new series discussing politics and policy. She joins a parade of former governors to get cable shows, including Mike Huckabee, Jesse Ventura, Eliot Spitzer and Sarah Palin.

-- "Inside the NSA" (9 p.m., National Geographic) offers the first documentary look at the intelligence agency since 9/11. The most secretive of the nation's spy organizations, its more than 35,000 employees must submit to the most rigorous scrutiny.

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- A homeless patient dreads a family reunion on "House" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-14).

-- A vintage bank robber resurfaces on "Alcatraz" (9 p.m., Fox, TV-14).

-- Keep the poltergeists guessing on "Castle" (10 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

-- "Unsung" (10 p.m., TV One) profiles Full Force.

CULT CHOICE

-- Joan Fontaine and Orson Welles star in the 1944 adaptation of "Jane Eyre" (8 p.m., TCM, TV-PG), featuring a stirring score by Bernard Herrmann.

SERIES NOTES

A possible wardrobe change on "How I Met Your Mother" (8 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... "Who's Still Standing?" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-PG) ... A musical dream sequence on "Gossip Girl" (8 p.m., CW, TV-14) ... Cupcake publicity on "2 Broke Girls" (8:30 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

Drama and decor on "Two and a Half Men" (9 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... "Fear Factor" (9 p.m., NBC, TV-14) ... The ins and outs of secret happiness on "Hart of Dixie" (9 p.m., CW, TV-PG) ... Cohabitation proves habit-forming on "Mike & Molly" (9:30 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

A Navy SEAL expires on "Hawaii Five-O" (10 p.m., CBS, r, TV-PG) ... "Rock Center With Brian Williams" (10 p.m., NBC).

LATE NIGHT

Maya Rudolph, Chris Gethard and Dale Earnhardt Jr. appear on "Conan" (11 p.m., TBS).

Jennifer Lopez and James McCartney are booked on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS) ... Jay Leno welcomes Madonna, Chris Colfer and Joe Perry on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC) ... Kate Walsh and Marc Maron appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC).

Glenn Close, Emmy Rossum and Nada Surf chat on "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" (12:35 a.m., NBC) ... Craig Ferguson hosts Don Cheadle and actress Andrea Riseborough on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

HBO DOMINATES WEEKEND WITH 'NAMATH' AND 'LUCK'

2012-01-28T05:18:00.001-08:00

-- A divisive pop culture icon, cautionary tale and sports star all rolled into one, quarterback Joe Namath inspires a 90-minute film to match his multifaceted legend in "Namath" (8 p.m. Saturday, HBO).

By any measure, there have been better quarterbacks before and after Joe Namath, men with names like Unitas, Elway, Marino, Montana, Manning and Brady. But none of these players changed the game or personified a cultural fault line quite like "Broadway Joe."

"Namath" divides into four nearly equal parts. We begin and end with the touching backstory of a boy from the modest Pennsylvania steel town of Beaver Falls. We also have the standard sports hagiography, complete with Liev Schreiber narration. And no official NFL film would be complete without a swelling musical score that drowns nearly every scene in pathos and schmaltz. Namath played football very well. He did not part the Red Sea.

The best part of the film uses period footage to chronicle Namath's emergence as a bon vivant ladies' man, TV commercial star, clotheshorse, controversial saloon owner, Hollywood regular and talk show host during the swinging '60s. Want to see Joe with Truman Capote? Ann-Margret? Woody Allen? They're here!

While many of his crew-cut critics castigated him as a hippie, Namath was really the Elvis of professional football, ushering the NFL into the television age and broadening the game's audience to include women and young people, who had previously dismissed football as violent, Neanderthal and hopelessly square.

Like Elvis and Mickey Mantle, Namath was a small-town boy turned superstar let loose in a candy store of hedonism and excess that would be his undoing. Namath's private pain and public shame provide grist for the last quarter of the film.

Namath spends a lot of "Namath" alone, a man in a simple wooden chair answering questions -- a man who has grown perceptively older and, if the film is to believed, appreciably wiser, with the passage of time.

-- The new series "Luck" (9 p.m. Sunday, HBO, TV-MA) is the New York Yankees of television dramas, an enterprise so laden with talent, it inspires both awe and resentment.

Racetracks are natural settings for tragedy and comedy. Is there anything more exalted than a thoroughbred horse in action? Or more squalid than a hungover gambler desperate for one more score?

Dustin Hoffman stars as a Chester "Ace" Bernstein. We meet him in the opening moments as he's being released from prison after three years and meeting his driver and bodyguard, Gus (Dennis Farina), a man Ace has contrived to win a casino jackpot in order to act as the "owner" of Ace's $2 million Irish thoroughbred.

A former professor, "Luck" creator David Milch ("NYPD Blue," "Deadwood") knows his Shakespeare. And like the Bard, Milch modulates focus here, concentrating on the high and the low, the king and the fool. The best parts (and the moments closest to levity) involve four degenerate gamblers: Marcus (Kevin Dunn), Renzo (Ritchie Coster), Jerry (Jason Gedrick), and Lonnie (Ian Hart). They're eager for a big payday and clueless how to handle good fortune. There are also subplots involving a cryptic horse trainer (John Ortiz) and his veterinarian lover (Jill Hennessy), and any number of riders who are literally jockeying for our attention.

Directed by Michael Mann ("Miami Vice," "Manhunter"), "Luck" looks like nothing else on television. It's hard to take your eyes off it. At the same time, the relentless emphasis on neon visuals can be off-putting, particularly when a story unfolds in fits and starts.

I'll admit, I found "Luck" a bit annoying for the first 20 minutes or so. It seemed like a music video occasionally interrupted by cryptic dialogue or, in the case of Nick Nolte's character, an oddball horse owner, monologue. But halfway through the pilot, I found myself hooked.

I promised myself I would try to avoid the gambling puns and racetrack cliches, but I can't conclude without at least one: Hold on, "Luck" is one heck of a ride.

SATURDAY'S HIGHLIGHTS

-- Luke Perry stars in the Western "Goodnight for Justice: The Measure of a Man" (8 p.m., Hallmark Movie Channel).

-- U.S. Figure Skating Championships (9 p.m., NBC).

-- Will Ferrell spoofs the world of figure skating in the 2007 comedy "Blades of Glory" (9 p.m., ABC, TV-14).

-- Paul's emerging powers test his friendships on "The Fades" (9 p.m., BBC America, TV-14).

-- An oil rig strikes a lava flow in the 2012 shocker "Swamp Volcano" (9 p.m., Syfy, TV-PG).

-- Scheduled on "48 Hours Mystery" (10 p.m., CBS): Young love leads to a mother's murder.

-- Liam Neeson, Patrick Stewart and Alan Davies appear on "The Graham Norton Show" (10:15 p.m., BBC America, TV-14).

SUNDAY'S HIGHLIGHTS

-- Scheduled on "60 Minutes" (7 p.m., CBS): Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, exotic hunting ranches.

-- The best from both conferences (except members of the Super Bowl teams) meet in the 2012 NFL Pro Bowl (8 p.m., NBC).

-- Jeremy Irons gives voice to Moe's special friend on "The Simpsons" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-PG).

-- Richard Schiff ("West Wing") guest-stars on "Once Upon a Time" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

-- The case against Will is strong on "The Good Wife" (9 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

-- A special education teacher (John Corbett) takes his class to NASA's exclusive space camp in the 2012 drama "A Smile as Big as the Moon" (9 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

-- War wounds, seen and unseen, loom large on "Downton Abbey" (9 p.m., PBS, check local listings).

-- "Missions That Changed the War: Enola Gay" (9 p.m., Military, TV-G) recalls the B-29 that delivered the first atomic bomb.

CULT CHOICE

It's a Swayze shade of winter on AMC as "Road House" (8 p.m. Sunday, TV-14) gives way to "Red Dawn" (10:30 p.m., TV-PG).

SATURDAY SERIES

Russell shows off on "Rules of Engagement" (8 p.m., CBS, r, TV-PG) ... Jason Alexander guest-stars on "Harry's Law" (8 p.m., NBC, r, TV-14) ... Bludgeoned on "UFC" (8 p.m., Fox) ... "Wipeout" (9 p.m., ABC, r, TV-PG) ... An invitation out of the blue on "Mike & Molly" (8:30 p.m., CBS, r, TV-PG) ... Hoarding can be murder on "CSI: NY" (9 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

SUNDAY SERIES

"Undercover Boss" (8 p.m., CBS, TV-PG) ... A cat hybrid demystified on "Napoleon Dynamite" (8:30 p.m., Fox, TV-PG) ... Faith healers on "Family Guy" (9 p.m., Fox, TV-14) ... Duffers on "American Dad" (9:30 p.m., Fox, TV-14) ... A fatal descent on "CSI: Miami" (10 p.m., CBS, TV-PG).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

** ** **

'BERING' TAKES THINGS TO EXTREMES

2012-01-27T04:35:00.000-08:00

Cable has become a place where men and women go to get away from each other. Every night, there are millions of women watching marathons of shows about cakes, weddings and dresses, while guys wallow in macho daydreams like "Gold Rush" (9 p.m., Discovery) or its more extreme and ridiculous incarnation, "Bering Sea Gold" (10 p.m., Discovery).

On old-school sitcoms, Ralph Kramden (or his many sitcom descendants) would hatch a harebrained, get-rich scheme in act one, run amok in act two and have Alice dutifully reel him back to reality as she read him the riot act by act three.

On cable, and in Alaska, the men are pretty much left to their own devices. And things get out of hand. Right away. All the time.

"Bering" introduces most people to a rather novel way of mining. Ships leave Nome, Alaska, and either dredge or vacuum the sea bottom for tiny gold nuggets and sandlike particles. Even if this took place in Miami's Biscayne Bay, it would be a difficult, dangerous and highly mechanized effort. But this is Nome, where the water temperature rarely gets above 45 degrees -- even when it's "nice" outside.

Common sense dictates that industrial mining near the Arctic Circle is no place for a solo freelancer. But common sense makes for bad reality TV. Four boats appear on "Bering," one more jerry-rigged than the next. A sunken one belongs to Ian, a burnt-out social worker. The largest craft, the Christine Rose, has lost its steering and propulsion mechanism, so the genius crew decides to venture forth, "paddling" as they go with the scoop of an enormous backhoe. It works well. Until it doesn't. The Wild Ranger has functional motors, but a dysfunctional crew.

The most adventurous mining rig, the Clark, looks like a glorified rubber dinghy laden with equipment. It's captained by Zeke, a bearded dreamer, and his non-girlfriend companion, Emily. She's basically what passes for eye candy in this soggy Thunderdome wasteland.

Like most stars of these kinds of shows, Zeke is desperate for cash, having recently run up nearly $190,000 in hospital bills.

That little detail makes one wonder: What if Zeke had health insurance? He might not be so broke and so motivated to be on a show as foolish and contrived as "Bering Sea Gold"! And that would surely be a blow to American exceptionalism.

-- Speaking of macho daydreams, "Spartacus: Vengeance" (10 p.m., Starz, TV-MA) returns for a second season. Liam McIntyre has assumed the title role after the death of Andy Whitfield.

The many fight scenes employ special effects that don't even try to differentiate the drama from video games. The violence is relentless, the nudity gratuitous and the dialogue a preposterous blend of fake Shakespeare and 21st-century obscenity. By my unscientific count, "Spartacus" has the most throat slashings per hour of any show I've endured. Epic spectacle for an unabashedly unsophisticated audience, "Spartacus" makes "Game of Thrones" look like "My Dinner With Andre."

-- "Great Performances" (9 p.m., PBS, check local listings) presents "Tony Bennett: Duets II," featuring collaborations with Lady Gaga, Amy Winehouse, Queen Latifah, Michael Buble and others.

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- On two episodes of "Chuck" (NBC): Sarah's secret (8 p.m., TV-PG), Chuck's last hurrah (9 p.m., TV-14). The second episode is the series finale.

-- A return to some past triumphs on "Kitchen Nightmares" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-14).

-- "Need to Know" (8:30 p.m., PBS) looks at the Florida GOP primary with an emphasis on the concerns of older voters.

-- Inventions related to cats, trucks and sales are unveiled on "Shark Tank" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

-- A girl exhibits a gift of prophecy on "Fringe" (9 p.m., Fox, TV-14).

-- A couple goes to extreme lengths to get their son into an elite school on "Portlandia" (10 p.m., IFC, TV-14).

CULT CHOICE

The desperate husband (Sam Neill) of a faithless wife (Isabelle Adjani) discovers there may be worse things than adultery in the disturbing 1981 shocker "Possession" (2 a.m., TCM).

SERIES NOTES

From NFL glory to homelessness on "A Gifted Man" (8 p.m., CBS, r, TV-PG) ... Percy hatches a scheme on "Nikita" (8 p.m., CW, r, TV-PG).

Deadly teenage angst on "CSI: NY" (9 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... Ethical dilemmas on "Primetime: What Would You Do?" (9 p.m., ABC) ... Dean faces cosmic justice on "Supernatural" (9 p.m., CW, r, TV-14).

Erin reopens one of Frank's cases on "Blue Bloods" (10 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

LATE NIGHT

Dolly Parton and Alan Zweibel appear on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS, r) ... Jay Leno welcomes President Barack Obama and Yo-Yo Ma on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC, r).

Daniel Radcliffe, Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Common visit "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" (12:35 a.m., NBC, r) ... Craig Ferguson visits the Moulin Rouge on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS, r), broadcast from Paris.

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

DAMAGE CONTROL RUNS AMOK ON '30 ROCK'

2012-01-26T04:33:00.000-08:00

It's probably never a good idea to call your audience a bunch of idiots. That's the problem facing Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) on "30 Rock" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-14), continuing a theme from last week.

Faced with a boycott of her show and its network by gay people insulted by Tracy Jordan's (Tracy Morgan) thoughtless taunts, Liz issues a non-apology apology. She blames the problem not on mean-spirited bias, but Tracy's idiocy. Not one to take this lying down, Tracy organizes a boycott of the network by viewers and ordinary citizens who consider themselves idiots, most notably actress Denise Richards (as herself), who has made a career of not seeming all that bright.

This two-part episode makes sly references to actor Tracy Morgan's real life anti-gay rant that made minor headlines last summer. It's also an oblique way for the show's writers to mock a TV audience that's not exactly turning out in significant numbers to watch their show.

Perhaps they're making a sly putdown of the folks who prefer "American Idol" and more formulaic CBS comedies to the Emmy-winning "30 Rock." Last week, "The Big Bang Theory" had nearly four times as many total viewers as Fey's show.

Cable money expert Suze Orman guest-stars on another episode of "30 Rock" (9 p.m., TV-14).

-- Speaking of "American Idol" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-PG), the series just isn't the ratings steamroller it was last season. Its premiere audience was down 25 percent from 2011. Last Thursday, "The Big Bang Theory" had a slightly larger 18-49 year-old audience than the first half hour of "Idol."

-- JB Smoove hosts "Russell Simmons Presents The Ruckus" (10 p.m. and 10:30 p.m., Comedy Central, TV-MA), a six-part standup showcase featuring a short introduction followed by four brief routines from comics both emerging and established.

-- A more analytical approach to joke telling follows on "Inside Comedy" (11 p.m., Showtime). Veteran comic David Steinberg will host 10 half-hour interviews with some of the world's most acclaimed comics, including Chris Rock, Ellen DeGeneres and Jerry Seinfeld, as well as veteran funnymen Mel Brooks, Don Rickles and Jonathan Winters.

-- Airing not long after Paula Deen announced her diabetes, "Fat Chef" (10 p.m., Food) discusses the battles with obesity faced by kitchen professionals and offers advice from diet and fitness experts.

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- Four men contend with superpowers in the 2006 fantasy "The Covenant" (8 p.m., CW, TV-14).

-- A rocket scientist needs to relocate a mystery woman on "The Finder" (9 p.m., Fox, TV-PG).

-- A gambler becomes a murder defendant on "The Firm" (10 p.m., NBC, TV-14).

-- The guys suddenly discover their relative poverty on "Unsupervised" (10:30 p.m., FX, TV-MA).

CULT CHOICE

-- When folks recall John Goodman's remarkable career, they'll probably overlook his starring role in the 1994 cartoon adaptation of "The Flintstones" (7 p.m., ABC Family, TV-PG). Elizabeth Taylor also stars. Neither returned in 2000 for "The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas" (9 p.m., ABC Family, TV-PG).

SERIES NOTES

Raj has a Siri-ous crush on "The Big Bang Theory" (8 p.m., CBS, TV-PG) ... "Wipeout" (8 p.m., ABC, r, TV-PG) ... Pillow talk on "Rob" (8:30 p.m., CBS, TV-PG) ... Bowling for dollars on "Parks and Recreation" (8:30 p.m., NBC, TV-PG).

Cold War relics return on "Person of Interest" (9 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... An accident victim's family has an agonizing choice on "Grey's Anatomy" (9 p.m., ABC, r, TV-14) ... Adventures in baby-sitting on "Up All Night" (9:30 p.m., NBC, r, TV-14) ... A personal trainer feels the burn on "The Mentalist" (10 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... Peter lingers on the brink on "Private Practice" (10 p.m., ABC, r, TV-14).

LATE NIGHT

Tilda Swinton is scheduled on "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" (11 p.m., Comedy Central) ... Cuba Gooding Jr., Jon Heder and They Might Be Giants appear on "Conan" (11 p.m., TBS) ... Drew Barrymore sits down on "The Colbert Report" (11:30 p.m., Comedy Central).

Regis Philbin and John Fogerty are on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS, r) ... Jay Leno welcomes Jim Parsons, Meghan McCain and Tom Morello with Ben Harper on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC, r) ... Andre Agassi, JB Smoove and Seal appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC).

Queen Latifah, Miranda Cosgrove and John Mulaney are on "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" (12:35 a.m., NBC, r) ... Craig Ferguson visits the Palace of Versailles on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS, r).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

A WORLD WITHOUT HUGS AND A PLOT FULL OF HOLES

2012-01-25T04:10:00.000-08:00

-- Kiefer Sutherland returns to the Fox lineup in "Touch" (9 p.m., TV-PG). He's not Jack Bauer, but Martin Bohm, a sorely overextended single dad whose wife died on Sept. 11. His 11-year-old son, Jake (David Mazouz), has never uttered a word. He refuses to be hugged or even touched. Experts say he's autistic, but Martin believes that Jake's fascination with numbers may be more than a retreat to an inner world. It could be his advanced way of communicating.

Over the course of the pilot, we discover that Jake can see interconnectivity in numbers that gives him insights beyond the comprehension of most mere mortals. These numbers provide codes and clues that Martin tries desperately to decipher, even as social workers attempt to take Jake away from him.

Danny Glover appears for about 30 seconds as a mystic and professor who declares that Jake and other children like him are part of some new wrinkle in evolution, a hint of humans to come; they can see the wondrous connections in all of existence. If a plot about an advanced race with super abilities sounds familiar, it's because "Touch" was written and created by Tim Kring, the man behind "Heroes."

Words like "interconnectivity" and "synchronicity" offer a nice spin on an old-fashioned term: "coincidence." And any drama filled with too many coincidences often seems contrived. "Touch" has a menu of nothing but coincidences served over a steaming bowl of Hollywood New Age gumbo.

There's a subplot about a cellphone traveling around the world from one suitcase to another. The phone contains images and information that may save one London man's marriage, turn an anonymous Irish singer into a superstar or transform a goofy Iraqi teen into a suicide bomber. It's all presented with a breathless wonder that insists we overlook any lapses in logic and common sense. It's like "Crash" on steroids.

For all of its excesses, "Touch" might be easier to take if it didn't hobble so awkwardly on the crutches of such heavily loaded subjects -- the heartbreak of childhood autism and the tragedy of Sept. 11.

Perhaps the greatest mystery surrounding "Touch" is Fox's decision to air the pilot tonight and then ask viewers to wait until March 19 for the series to resume. I'm not sure viewers will make that connection.

-- "Mystery of a Masterpiece" on "NOVA" (9 p.m., PBS) looks at forensic technology that combats the illegal traffic of stolen paintings and helps art history scholars tell genuine masterpieces from forgeries.

-- "In Tahrir Square: 18 Days of Egypt's Unfinished Revolution" (8 p.m., HBO2) recalls a political earthquake one year later.

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- Auditions continue on "American Idol" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-PG).

-- An accountant scams celebrity clients in the season premiere of "American Greed" (9 p.m., CNBC).

-- Catherine Willows (Marg Helgenberger) departs on "CSI" (10 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

-- A convicted serial killer provides clues to investigators on the new series "Dark Minds" (10 p.m., ID, TV-14).

-- Rock-and-rollers fall ill on "Royal Pains" (10 p.m., USA, TV-PG).

CULT CHOICE

Troubled couples (Peter Finch, Angela Lansbury, Arthur Hill and Jane Fonda) vacation together in the 1963 melodrama "In the Cool of the Day" (5:45 a.m., TCM).

SERIES NOTES

On two episodes of "Criminal Minds" (CBS, TV-14): a Boise bloodbath (8 p.m., r), Houston's problem (9 p.m.) ... Codependence on "Whitney" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-14) ... Local theater on "The Middle" (8 p.m., ABC, r, TV-PG) ... Haley flounders on "One Tree Hill" (8 p.m., CW, TV-14) ... A date for Dee Dee on "Are You There, Chelsea?" (8:30 p.m., NBC, TV-14) ... Chauffeur duty on "Suburgatory" (8:30 p.m., ABC, r, TV-14).

Claire's civic duty on "Modern Family" (9 p.m., ABC, r, TV-PG) ... On two repeats of "Law & Order: SVU" (NBC, TV-14): an ex-NFL star bottoms out (9 p.m.), a coach's suspected abuse (10 p.m.) ... South Dakota beckons on "Remodeled" (9 p.m., CW, r, TV-14) ... Brad's evasion on "Happy Endings" (9:30 p.m., ABC, r, TV-14) ... Media scrutiny scuttles a happy anniversary on "Revenge" (10 p.m., ABC, r, TV-PG).

LATE NIGHT

Paula Broadwell visits "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" (11 p.m., Comedy Central) ... Elizabeth Banks, Timothy Olyphant and John Mulaney appear on "Conan" (11 p.m., TBS) ... Terry Gross chats on "The Colbert Report" (11:30 p.m., Comedy Central).

Scarlett Johansson, Julie Chen and Robert Griffin III are booked on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS, r) ... Jay Leno welcomes Robin Williams, Drew Hastings and Vince Gill on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC, r) ... Cuba Gooding Jr., Sara Hyland and Big Freedia appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC).

Rosie O'Donnell, Donnie Wahlberg and Robin Thicke visit "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" (12:35 a.m., NBC, r) ... Craig Ferguson hosts Jean-Michel Cousteau on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS, r) from Paris.

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

STATE OF THE UNION: LONG ON DRAMA AND DECORUM

2012-01-24T04:35:00.001-08:00

-- Look for network and cable schedules to make way for the State of the Union address (9 p.m. on CBS, NBC, Fox, ABC, MSNBC, Fox News). It's not a TV show, but it is filled with drama.

Among the many burdens of the presidency is the need to combine the practical aspects of the job with the pomp and even majesty of executive office. Great Britain divides these jobs between the prime minister and the king or queen, but here in the United States, it all falls upon the president.

Sometimes people fear the president acts in too "imperial" a manner, and, at other times, folks wish he'd look or behave with more executive flourish. Elected after Watergate, Jimmy Carter made a point of wearing jeans and carrying his own luggage. Four years later he was defeated by Ronald Reagan, who put a more formal stamp on his presidential style.

With or without Hollywood experience, being the president is a tough act. Tonight marks the one time of year that the president reports to Congress with his wish list of policy goals and a litany of missions accomplished. The live address to Congress is a tradition that dates to Woodrow Wilson, and, like any ritual, it is long on show and decorum. With rare exceptions, everybody is on their best behavior.

That may prove a bit harder tonight, since we're already knee-deep into an election year and partisan feelings are running high. However, there have been years when the addresses were even more awkward. In 1974, Richard Nixon delivered an address to a Congress all but certain to vote on his impeachment. (It did.) And in 1999, Bill Clinton addressed House members who had just voted to impeach him and Senate members about to vote on a conviction that would remove him from office. (They did, but the vote did not carry.) Despite the "High Noon" atmosphere, both speeches were delivered without incident and have since been forgotten. The Republic endured.

-- As the second season of "Joan and Melissa: Joan Knows Best?" (9 p.m., WE) opens, the famously foul-mouthed comic Joan Rivers now lives in her daughter's basement. She thinks nothing of spouting obscenities around the kids and wasting everybody's time obsessing about yet another round of plastic surgery. It's contrived and predictable, even by the low standards of this tired genre.

-- Gamers find the tables turned when a mystical portal transports them inside a virtual world on the series premiere of "Level Up" (8 p.m., Cartoon Network).

-- Perhaps the only way to stand out amid the glut of auction and memorabilia programming is to specialize. "All-Star Dealers" (8 p.m., Discovery) focuses on sports collectibles and items belonging to famous athletes. First up: a visit to Dennis Rodman's storage locker, and a search to discover if a jersey said to belong to Dan Marino was actually owned by the famous Miami Dolphin.

-- "Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel" (10 p.m., HBO) meets with the NBA's Van Gundy brothers; visits a high school football team that never punts; and returns to the story of Barret Robbins, an NFL player who failed to show up for a Super Bowl game.

-- TV-themed DVDs available today include "Underdog: The Complete Collector's Edition."

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- Schuester's boot camp opens on "Glee" (8 p.m., Fox, r, TV-14).

-- A glance back at odd clips on "Dirty Jobs" (9 p.m., Discovery).

-- Embezzlement is on a high school's curriculum on "White Collar" (10 p.m., USA, TV-PG).

-- Tang and Cooper come under attack on "Southland" (10 p.m., TNT, TV-14).

-- An officer's murder investigation makes for strange bedfellows on "Justified" (10 p.m., FX, TV-14).

CULT CHOICE

James Coburn stars as a suave super-agent in the 1967 spoof "In Like Flint" (8 p.m., TCM).

SERIES NOTES

Evidence points to McGee's grandmother on "NCIS" (8 p.m., CBS, r, TV-PG, V) ... "The Biggest Loser" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-PG) ... On two episodes of "Last Man Standing" (ABC, r, TV-PG): dinner plans (8 p.m.) and a close shave for a barber (8:30 p.m.) ... The past eclipses the present on "90210" (8 p.m., CW, TV-PG, L).

A trip to South Dakota on "Remodeled" (9 p.m., CW, TV-14) ... Leonard feels used on "The Big Bang Theory" (10:30 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... Halloween horrors on "Happy Endings" (10:30 p.m., ABC, r, TV-14).

LATE NIGHT

Sam Worthington, Adam Winrich and Julia Nunes appear on "Conan" (11 p.m., TBS) ... Placido Domingo sits down on "The Colbert Report" (11:30 p.m., Comedy Central).

Tina Fey, Jeremy Irvine and the Barr Brothers are booked on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS, r) ... Elizabeth Banks, Ben McKenzie and the Airborne Toxic Event appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC) ... Craig Ferguson hosts Kristen Bell, Eddie Izzard and Jean Reno on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS, r).

WHY DOES A SMART GUY LIKE ANDREW ZIMMERN MAKE SUCH DUMB TV?

2012-01-23T04:04:00.000-08:00

-- "Bizarre Foods America" (10 p.m., Travel, TV-PG) returns for a season of domestic consumption. Culinary adventurer Andrew Zimmern explores the 50 states to sample unusual entrees like smoked raccoon and guinea pig.

Describing food or, more to the point, putting the eating experience into words, is a difficult task requiring real talent. And few do it as well as Andrew Zimmern. Anthony Bourdain's "The Layover" and "No Reservations" are long on post-punk attitude and cultural observation. Far too often Tony can be at a loss for words while tucking into a meal. He resorts to such phrases as "that's incredible" when far more nuanced evocations are required. In contrast, Zimmern has a refined palate, a quick tongue and a mad scientist's ability to break a meal down to its chemical components as he's tasting, swallowing and describing it. He's often a wonder to behold.

That's why I find his devotion to the back alleys of extreme eating so frequently disappointing. It's one thing to occasionally push viewers past their comfort zone; it's quite another to forever dwell on revolting, shock-value cuisine. Call me a snob, but the continual focus on gross-out gourmet is trite and adolescent. Zimmern is far smarter and more interesting than "Bizarre." It's like watching a trained ballet dancer reduced to "Jackass" stunts.

-- "American Masters" (10 p.m., PBS, check local listings) presents "Phil Ochs: There But for Fortune," a profile of the prolific folk singer whose commitment to political activism and social change gave way to alcoholism and mental illness as the contentious 1960s ended and the more "mellow" 1970s unfolded. Ochs took his own life in 1976. "Fortune" was released theatrically last winter.

Like far too many documentaries about the 1960s, the tone here ranges from somber to reverent. We're frequently told that Ochs had a sense of whimsy and the absurd, but there's little humor on display here. Too little effort is made to discuss Ochs' influences on contemporary music. The band They Might Be Giants has covered Ochs' material and occasionally sounds like him. Is the band interviewed here? No. That might be too entertaining and run against the grain of this earnest profile.

This PBS program does not enjoy universal carriage, so if it doesn't air tonight, it may appear later this week.

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- A medical test goes horribly wrong on "House" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-14).

-- A child killer returns five decades later on "Alcatraz" (9 p.m., Fox, TV-14). This drama's premiere last Monday attracted more initial viewers than the premiere episode of the more heavily hyped "Terra Nova."

-- An ex-Marine gets a note from the city on "Hoarders" (9 p.m., A&E, TV-PG).

-- A contempt-of-court citation puts an attorney behind bars on "First Week In" (9 p.m., Discovery, TV-14).

-- A woodland fae says "boo" to Bo on "Lost Girl" (10 p.m., Syfy, TV-MA).

-- Anthony Bourdain crams in some quality time eating his way through Los Angeles on "The Layover" (9 p.m., Travel, TV-PG).

-- The governor makes a new appointment on "Hawaii Five-O" (10 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

-- A reality television star falls under suspicion after the death of a dog trainer on "Castle" (10 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

-- "Unsung" (10 p.m., TV One) chronicles R&B singer Freddie Jackson's "struggles with shifting musical tastes, financial ruin and obesity."

CULT CHOICE

A woman discovers that her millionaire husband is insane in the 1949 drama "Caught" (9:30 p.m., TCM), directed by Max Ophuls and starring James Mason, Barbara Bel Geddes and Robert Ryan.

SERIES NOTES

The past is a drag on Marshall's future on "How I Met Your Mother" (8 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... "Who's Still Standing?" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-PG) ... "The Bachelor" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-14) ... Blair's bachelorette party on "Gossip Girl" (8 p.m., CW, TV-14) ... Cleaning up after a hoarder on "2 Broke Girls" (8:30 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

Jake's teacher fixates on Walden on "Two and a Half Men" (9 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... "Fear Factor" (9 p.m., NBC, TV-14) ... Family history on "Hart of Dixie" (9 p.m., CW, TV-PG) ... A surprise gift on "Mike & Molly" (9:30 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

LATE NIGHT

Casey Anderson and Wilco appear on "Conan" (11 p.m., TBS) ... Bruce Bueno de Mesquita sits down on "The Colbert Report" (11:30 p.m., Comedy Central).

Mark Wahlberg, Heather Morris and Snow Patrol are booked on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS, r) ... Bear Grylls and Young the Giant appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC).

Craig Ferguson hosts "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS, r) from Paris.

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

ROB LOWE'S A MAD, BAD CAD!

2012-01-21T04:30:00.000-08:00

-- It's Rob Lowe as you've never seen him! Who knew that a modified Mike Ditka hairdo and the Brawny Paper Towel man's mustache would do so much for the too-pretty star of "The West Wing" and "St. Elmo's Fire"?

Let's face it: Rob Lowe has always been typecast as Ken to every girl's Barbie. Not anymore. He stars in the title role in "Drew Peterson: Untouchable" (8 p.m. Saturday, Lifetime) as a creepy, controlling older cop who struts around a small Illinois town like a suburban Casanova. Over the years, he collects four wives. Kathleen (Cara Buono), wife No. 3, dies mysteriously, and Stacy (Kaley Cuoco), wife No. 4, vanishes without a trace.

Based on a true story and filled with real news reports from "Today" and "Larry King Live," "Untouchable" opens as Drew is bickering with Kathleen and then cheating on her with Stacy. This is a fun departure for Cuoco, who rapidly transforms from a brazenly clueless, husband-stealing hussy to a doting mom and abused spouse. She is the victimized poster-child-bride for Lifetime's endless effort to warn women against the wicked wolf disguised as Prince Charming.

The game cast includes Catherine Dent as a concerned neighbor who organizes the effort to put Peterson behind bars. Dent starred on "The Shield," so she knows a thing or two about abusive, sociopathic policemen.

But the movie belongs to Rob Lowe, whose turn as every woman's nightmare is a real revelation. From the first scene to the end credits, "Untouchable" remains just this side of camp. But I was transfixed by Lowe's consistently ominous performance. May his acting career flourish under a continuing assortment of bad hair days.

-- Karl travels to a desert island on the debut of "An Idiot Abroad 2: The Bucket List" (10 p.m. Saturday, Science, TV-14).

-- A picket fence existence disguises a couple's double life on "Scorned: Love Kills" (10 p.m. Saturday, ID, TV-14).

-- Vanilla Ice, a white rapper turned punch line, indulges in his real avocation, home renovation, on the new weekly series "The Vanilla Ice Project" (10 p.m. Saturday, DIY).

-- Fox doesn't get to broadcast the Super Bowl this year, so it's treating Sunday night's NFC Championship Game between the Giants and 49ers (6:30 p.m.) as the next best thing.

Last Sunday's late afternoon game between the Giants and the Packers had an audience of 45 million viewers. Last Saturday's Patriots-Broncos game ("starring" the pious passer Tim Tebow) was watched by more than 34 million total viewers.

In a curious move, Fox is using its sure-to-be dominant ratings to boost "American Idol" (10 p.m., TV-PG).

And just why it thinks "American Idol" needs boosting is anybody's guess. You'd think the network would air an episode of "Alcatraz" to give the new show maximum exposure. But nobody asked me.

-- To celebrate last Sunday's Golden Globe win for its star Idris Elba, BBC America will air all four hours of the miniseries "Luther" (11 a.m. Sunday).

If Elba was one of the big winners at the Golden Globes, the biggest loser was the show itself. The Globes used to be fun because the A-list crowd was loose and even slightly tipsy. That's no longer the case.

Part of the pall on the proceedings came from the fear that host Ricky Gervais would ask the assembled to laugh at one of their own. While actors may be funny and pretty, they're also thin-skinned and not really into jokes made at their own expense. You could tell the room didn't like Gervais, and people tune in to watch the room, not him.

Worse still, Gervais never delivered. His jokes about the Kardashians were Leno-level mediocre at best. And his cracks about the name of Jodie Foster's last movie with Mel Gibson were not only crude, adolescent and obvious, they were old! Jimmy Kimmel was joking about the movie (and its title) back in 2010, months before last year's Golden Globes. Time for a new host.

-- The audience size for "Downton Abbey" on "Masterpiece Classics" (9 p.m., PBS, TV-PG, check local listings) can't compare with NFL football, but its fans make up for it with enthusiasm. "Downton" just may be the most addictive and beloved PBS/BBC series of all time.

As on many period melodramas, a premium is not put on action. Events on "Downton" unfold rather slowly, and you can see them coming a mile away at the speed of a horse and buggy. But the languid pace allows more time to ogle the sets and costumes and the characters' operatic facial gestures.

Tonight: The abbey becomes a recuperation center for wounded officers (naturally). Meanwhile, on the Western Front, Matthew and William become lost behind enemy lines.

SATURDAY'S HIGHLIGHTS

-- The voices of Bruce Willis and Garry Shandling animate the 2006 comic-strip adaptation "Over the Hedge" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

-- Neil prepares his battle against "The Fades" (9 p.m., BBC America, TV-14).

-- John Schneider and Jason London star in the 2011 shocker "Snow Beast" (9 p.m., Syfy, TV-14). I salute Syfy for treating this movie like the over-the-top joke that it is. On History or Animal Planet, it would be presented as a documentary.

-- Beckett is on the brink on "Castle" (10 p.m., ABC, r, TV-PG).

-- Kenneth Branagh, Zach Braff and Frank Skinner appear on "The Graham Norton Show" (10:15 p.m., BBC America, TV-14).

SUNDAY'S HIGHLIGHTS

-- Scheduled on "60 Minutes" (7 p.m., CBS): compiling a "dictionary" of elephant sounds, Kenya's wildebeest migration, Jane Goodall.

-- A fairy tale romance thwarted on "Once Upon a Time" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

-- Alicia takes a case freighted with religious misunderstandings on "The Good Wife" (9 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

-- Bree and the bottle are a bad mix on "Desperate Housewives" (9 p.m., ABC, TV-14).

-- A Roman holiday on "Pan Am" (10 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

CULT CHOICE

A winning script and great performances by Clint Eastwood, Gene Hackman and Morgan Freeman made the 1992 feature "Unforgiven" (7 p.m. Saturday, AMC, TV-14) a rare Western -- one that audiences actually wanted to see.

SATURDAY SERIES

Radical connections on "NCIS: Los Angeles" (8 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... On back-to-back episodes of "Cops" (Fox): jailbait (8 p.m., TV-14), hunger (8:30 p.m., TV-PG).

A last stand on "Terra Nova" (9 p.m., Fox, r, TV-14) ... A quick arrest may complicate a conviction on "Law & Order: SVU" (10 p.m., NBC, r, TV-14).

SUNDAY SERIES

An electronics repair big shot becomes an "Undercover Boss" (8 p.m., CBS, TV-PG) ... On two episodes of "Prime Suspect" (NBC, r, TV-14): underage and dead (9 p.m.), a hitman behind bars (10 p.m.) ... A twister makes a crime scene untidy on "CSI: Miami" (10 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

HBO'S 'ROACH' REWARDS PATIENT VIEWERS

2012-01-20T03:57:00.000-08:00

-- The new, unscripted, slice-of-life series "On Freddie Roach" (9:30 p.m., HBO) may appeal to fans of boxing and documentary films. They are not necessarily overlapping groups. Folks who like the fast, furious and brutal pace of boxing may find "Freddie" a tad languid. And "Freddie" may interest fans of a certain type of documentary -- the long, slow-to-build kind without narration or other techniques that answer viewers' most basic questions, like, "Who is Freddie Roach?"

For those who stick around for the first half hour or so, we're given teaspoons of information about the central character. He's a boxing trainer and a former fighter raised by a loving mother and a rage-filled, pugilistic dad who thought nothing of blackening his wife's eyes in front of his seven kids. Freddie's hands shake and he walks haltingly because he suffers from Parkinson's disease, an ailment thought to be linked to his life of fighting.

For all of the blows he has taken, Roach comes across as a thoughtful, even mellow man, someone who has found contentment as a teacher and mentor rather than as a punisher. He looks a lot more like Philip Seymour Hoffman than Sylvester Stallone.

Roach's Wild Card Boxing Club may be located in Hollywood, but it's hardly glamorous. Its denizens are a mix of young strivers and washed-up palookas with misshapen faces. It's a family. It's a freak show. There is violence in the air. There is blood. But there is also love.

Created by Peter Berg, "Freddie" is clearly inspired by the work of filmmaker Frederick Wiseman, whose film "Boxing Gym" recently appeared on PBS. Wiseman has created exhaustive and illuminating documentaries about subjects ranging from mental institutions to the Idaho legislature, from American high schools to the Paris ballet. At their most rewarding his films are completely immersive events, allowing viewers an incomparable appreciation of their subject. When they are not long (his "Belfast, Maine" runs four hours), they seem long. At their most taxing, these films are not only like watching paint dry, they ask you to watch the painters apply the paint in the first place. After watching them carefully open the paint cans.

As you can see, I'm of two minds about this kind of documentary. On one hand, I'm struck by its audacity and fidelity to telling a warts-and-all story at the speed of real life. On the other hand, I always come back to director Alfred Hitchcock, who, when asked why films can't be like "real life," replied that screen drama is like real life "with the dull bits cut out."

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- A crisis puts everything in jeopardy on "A Gifted Man" (8 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

-- "Shark Tank" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-PG) returns with new would-be entrepreneurs.

-- Danger ricochets on a bullet train on "Chuck" (9 p.m., NBC, TV-PG).

-- Hidden cameras capture strangers in ethical quandaries on a new season of "Primetime: What Would You Do?" (9 p.m., ABC).

-- Childhood abuse evokes inner demons on "Grimm" (9 p.m., NBC, TV-14).

-- The parallel division faces new challenges on "Fringe" (9 p.m., Fox, TV-14).

-- A broken rig sparks a waiting game on "Gold Rush" (9 p.m., Discovery, TV-PG).

-- A suspect in a robbery has a police connection on "Blue Bloods" (10 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

-- A punk couple frustrates a wedding planner on "Portlandia" (10 p.m., IFC, TV-14).

CULT CHOICE

A recently released thief adapts to new technology in the 1971 thriller "The Anderson Tapes" (10 p.m., TCM, TV-14), directed by Sidney Lumet. Sean Connery, Dyan Cannon and Martin Balsam star.

SERIES NOTES

A Greek tragedy looms on "Kitchen Nightmares" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-14) ... Harsh words in the Twin Cities on "Remodeled" (8 p.m., CW, r, TV-14).

Mac looks back on a dark day on "CSI: NY" (9 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... "Dateline" (10 p.m., NBC) ... "20/20" (10 p.m., ABC).

LATE NIGHT

Dana Carvey and Los Campesinos! appear on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS) ... Jay Leno welcomes Steven Tyler, Ryan Seacrest, Randy Jackson and Sarah Colonna on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC).

Terrence Howard and Filter appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC).

Joan Rivers and Stacy Keibler visit "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" (12:35 a.m., NBC) ... Craig Ferguson hosts Larry the Cable Guy and 3 Doors Down on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

MORE TEEN ANTICS ON FX'S ANIMATED 'UNSUPERVISED'

2012-01-19T04:11:00.000-08:00

Adolescence can be awkward and ugly, but the good news is the animated "Unsupervised" (10:30 p.m., FX, TV-MA) shows a glint of humanity beneath its teenage characters' crude language and behavior. A lot of the talent behind this FX cartoon comes from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia." "Unsupervised" is more restrained and character-driven in comparison.

Gary (Justin Long) and Joel (David Hornsby) are overgrown boys content with bike riding and junkyard escapades. Gary's parents are largely absent; their block is blighted and sad. But both kids maintain an innocent optimism, particularly Gary, who takes a certain pride in doing his own chores and living independently.

Hormones and peer pressure convince them that their geeky pursuits are keeping them from girls and sex, two concepts they discuss in purely theoretical terms. Gary announces that his house is all but open and a wild party ensues, allowing "Unsupervised" to introduce its large cast of characters, some more nuanced than others.

It's difficult to determine what's more monotonous: sex-obsessed adolescent patter, or a 40-year-old writer's recollection and re-creation of the same. But once you get beyond the "Superbad" language, there's a germ of a nice little show here about young men slowly coming to grips with a grim world and their place in it. Still, BBC America's "The Fades," which premiered last week, is the better of the two coming-of-age series.

-- Speaking of grim worlds, "When Girls Kill" (10 p.m., E!, TV-14) scours the prisons of America to visit with juvenile female murderers whose crimes were so heinous that they were tried as adults.

-- "Best Buy: The Big Box Fights Back" (9 p.m., CNBC) shows how the ubiquitous electronics outlet found in malls across America has bested and outlasted its bricks-and-mortar rivals by providing service, repairs and the assurance of a Geek Squad at the ready.

"Box" includes lots of Best Buy's vintage ads from back in the days of the turntable and the VCR. Now some wonder if, like the tube television, Best Buy may be a thing of the past.

It faces a threat from online vendors who don't have to pay for buildings and sales staff. Many shoppers look at items at a Best Buy and then purchase them elsewhere. One Wall Street type quoted here calls the retailer "Amazon's showroom." "Box" describes a battle that may define the very nature of retail sales in the coming years.

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- Jack wants to discover the identity of Liz's new beau on "30 Rock" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-14).

-- Fresh faces appear on "American Idol" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-PG).

-- Reese's loyalty remains in doubt on "Person of Interest" (9 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

-- Erin tries to make Andy jealous on "The Office" (9 p.m., NBC, TV-14).

-- The fate of a doomed man hangs on rather flimsy evidence on "The Finder" (9 p.m., Fox, TV-PG).

-- A mob boss's murder catches Jane's attention on "The Mentalist" (10 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

-- A worried Mitch takes on a difficult new case on "The Firm" (10 p.m., NBC, TV-14).

-- An expectant mother becomes a mugging victim on "Private Practice" (10 p.m., ABC, TV-14).

CULT CHOICE

Killed in a plane crash in 2001, the R&B singer Aaliyah had a starring role in the 2002 feature film "Queen of the Damned" (9 p.m., Logo), adapted from Anne Rice's novel.

SERIES NOTES

Penny and Leonard mull a sequel on "The Big Bang Theory" (8 p.m., CBS, TV-14) ... "Wipeout" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-PG) ... Dreams and visions on "The Vampire Diaries" (8 p.m., CW, TV-14).

Wedding plans bring arguments on "Rob" (8:30 p.m., CBS, TV-PG) ... Campaign ads on "Parks and Recreation" (8:30 p.m., NBC, TV-PG)

Richard's milestone procedure on "Grey's Anatomy" (9 p.m., ABC, TV-14) ... A chance to understand the past on "The Secret Circle" (9 p.m., CW, TV-PG) ... Megan Mullally guest-stars as a rival talk show host on "Up All Night" (9:30 p.m., NBC, TV-PG).

LATE NIGHT

Elizabeth Banks appears on "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" (11 p.m., Comedy Central) ... Gina Carano and Owen Smith sit down on "Conan" (11 p.m., TBS) ... Carrie Rebora Barratt is booked on "The Colbert Report" (11:30 p.m., Comedy Central).

Kathy Griffin and Joseph Arthur are scheduled on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS) ... Jay Leno welcomes Wanda Sykes, Mark Cuban and David Nail on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC) ... Tom Arnold and Keke Palmer appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC).

Ewan McGregor and The Avett Brothers chat on "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" (12:35 a.m., NBC) ... Craig Ferguson hosts Steven Wright and Sara Paxton on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

'CSI' STAR DEPARTS AS 'AMERICAN IDOL' RETURNS

2012-01-18T04:29:00.000-08:00

-- Twelve years on television is an eternity. Marg Helgenberger will leave "CSI" (10 p.m., CBS, TV-14) after two more episodes, beginning tonight. Her character, Catherine Willows, has been part of the forensics series since it debuted in 2000, outlasting male leads William Petersen and Laurence Fishburne.

"CSI" has long been compared to "Law & Order," another long-running procedural franchise that spawned successful spinoffs and all but dominated its network's schedule. But to many, "CSI" will always be associated with Grissom and Willows. Unlike "Law & Order," it has been affected by its revolving door of lead characters. And it's highly doubtful that "CSI" will run as long as "Law & Order."

Helgenberger will also appear on "Late Show With David Letterman" tonight.

-- Now in its 11th season, "American Idol" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-PG) shows little sign of flagging. To the surprise of many, it has changed personnel without missing a beat. It has persevered, even thrived in spite of Paula Abdul's and Simon Cowell's departures. In fact, Cowell's "X Factor" was received with less than rapturous reviews and ratings, while "Idol's" new judges, Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez, adjusted quite naturally to their roles.

Competing programs, including "The Voice," "America's Got Talent" and "X Factor," have never approached "Idol" in audience size. But their combined presence could contribute to a sense of talent show fatigue. And that could eventually contribute to the decline of "Idol." On the other hand, too much of a good (or a bad) thing is rarely a problem in reality television.

-- Far from the field of singing competition, "Greatest Tank Battles" (10 p.m., Military) spends 10 weekly episodes recalling mechanized warfare from World War I onward. It's nice to see that somebody's still broadcasting history programming. Last year, the History Channel got the highest ratings in its history by ignoring it.

-- Speaking of history, "NOVA" (9 p.m., PBS) presents "3-D Spies of WWII." It recalls how photo and optics experts from British universities and Hollywood studios compiled thousands of photographs to create 3-D images of potential targets for Allied bombers.

-- S. Epatha Merkerson ("Law & Order") hosts "Find Our Missing" (10 p.m., TVOne), documenting missing persons cases involving black men, women and children, who are generally ignored by the news media.

-- A Hamptons divorce "celebration" becomes a posh setting for multiple misunderstandings as "Royal Pains" (10 p.m., USA, TV-PG) returns with new episodes. This show should really be titled "Everybody Loves (Dr.) Hank (But Not as Much as Hank Loves Himself)."

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- Zooey Deschanel stars in the 2009 romance "(500) Days of Summer" (8 p.m., E!).

-- Twin brides plus one murder doesn't add up on "Harry's Law" (9 p.m., NBC, TV-14). Jean Smart guest-stars.

-- Harry Connick Jr. guest-stars on "Law & Order: SVU" (10 p.m., NBC, TV-14).

-- Daniel's big proposal on "Revenge" (10 p.m., ABC, TV-14).

-- "True Life: I Have Diabetes" (11 p.m. MTV).

CULT CHOICE

Two precocious preppies trail a concert pianist (Peter Sellers) with indiscretions to hide in the 1964 comedy "The World of Henry Orient" (8 p.m., TCM). Think "Gossip Girl" meets "Mad Men" and you're getting close.

SERIES NOTES

Welcome home to murder on "NCIS" (8 p.m., CBS, TV-PG) ... Wedding planning on "Whitney" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-14) ... Begrudging charity on "The Middle" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-PG) ... Dan, abandoned on "One Tree Hill" (8 p.m., CW) ... Chelsea puts a move on her sister's old boyfriend on "Are You There, Chelsea?" (8:30 p.m., NBC, TV-14) ... Casinos are for losers on "Suburgatory" (8:30 p.m., ABC, TV-14).

A new killing echoes a vintage crime spree on "Criminal Minds" (9 p.m., CBS, TV-14) ... "Modern Family" (9 p.m., ABC, TV-14) ... Fashion is very, very, very important on "Remodeled" (9 p.m., CW, r, TV-14) ... A major transformation on "Happy Endings" (9:30 p.m., ABC, TV-14).

LATE NIGHT

Shaun White and Sammy Adams appear on "Conan" (11 p.m., TBS) ... Marg Helgenberger and Ellie Goulding are scheduled on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS) ... Jay Leno welcomes Jennifer Garner, Ross Matthews and Parachute on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC) ... Will Arnett and Dana Gould appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC).

Bill Cosby, Anthony Mackie and Wale visit "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" (12:35 a.m., NBC) ... Craig Ferguson hosts David Duchovny and Dr. Sanjay Gupta on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

'REMODELED' HAS NARROW AUDIENCE

2012-01-17T04:34:00.000-08:00

-- If television is to be believed, half of the American economy is devoted to fashion. Into this fairy-tale universe comes "Remodeled" (9 p.m., CW, TV-PG), an odd choice for a network show, as it seems too small and niche-marketed even for Bravo.

I can understand why CW's viewers may find vicarious fascination in "America's Next Top Model" -- or at least why they did for the first 50 seasons or so. But "Remodeled" isn't as much about young models as it is about the management of modeling agencies.

Fashion guru Paul Fisher and his comically high-strung entourage have set up "The Network," a loose connection of agencies in small American cities. They scour the shopping malls and ice cream parlors of America to discover 15-year-olds with the potential to become the next Giselle, or Kate, or Iman. Or whomever.

Most of "Remodeled" consists of Fisher descending on his satellite offices and screaming at the staff for running them so badly. With his shaven head and intense manner, one half expects his brain to explode at any given moment. Many of the words he shouts have to be bleeped by the censors. He's the Gordon Ramsay of regional fashion agencies.

How many people really care about the management style of regional fashion agencies? And how many of them belong to CW's target audience of young women? While Fisher runs around "Remodeled" yelling about The Network, I kept thinking about the management of the network airing this ridiculous show. The folks at CW appear to have lost their audience, their focus and, perhaps, their minds.

-- The modern-day Western "Justified" (10 p.m., FX, TV-MA) returns for a third season with a bang. Make that several startling bangs, a couple of jabs with an ice pick and the surprisingly deft use of a cast-iron frying pan.

Gunslinging U.S. Marshal Raylan Givens (Timothy Olyphant) is doing his best to recover from gunshot wounds, but we know he'll be dragged back into action. Tonight's episode features the most cold-blooded killer I've seen in some time and a deft performance by Neal McDonough (no relation) as a Detroit mob enforcer whose blood runs as icy as his scary blue eyes.

Not for the squeamish, "Justified" is among the most violent shows around. But it's also one of the best.

-- In my review, I called "Work It" (8:30 p.m., ABC, TV-PG) the worst new comedy of the year. Other critics have declared it possibly the worst show of all time. Something this atrocious doesn't come along every season. You owe it to yourself to watch it once before ABC wises up and pulls the plug. [Note: ABC did cancel "Work It" last week, after this column was filed].

-- Half the businesses not involved in high fashion are dedicated to tattoos, the subject of "Ink Master" (10 p.m., Spike).

-- "American Experience" (8 p.m., PBS, check local listings) examines how Gen. George Custer remains a powerful symbol of both military triumph and spectacular failure.

-- "Frontline" (10 p.m., PBS) examines how the accident at Japan's Fukushima nuclear plant has affected energy policy planning in the United States.

-- TV-themed DVDs available today include season six of "Adam-12."

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- Twenty-one million "NCIS" (8 p.m., CBS, r, TV-PG, V) fans can't be all wrong. That was the audience for last week's show.

-- Cupid's arrow descends on "Glee" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-14).

-- Schmidt's birthday calls for celebration on "New Girl" (9 p.m., Fox, TV-14).

-- Back to school on "Raising Hope" (9:30 p.m., Fox, TV-14).

-- Ali's reputation takes a hit on "Unforgettable" (10 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

-- A medical scare for Zeek on "Parenthood" (10 p.m., NBC, TV-14).

-- Marcia Gay Harden and Rita Wilson guest-star on "Body of Proof" (10 p.m., ABC, TV-14).

CULT CHOICE

An evil widow dispatches the help and uses their remains to feed the geraniums in the 1969 shocker "What Ever Happened to Aunt Alice?" (8 p.m., TCM), starring Geraldine Page and Ruth Gordon.

SERIES NOTES

"The Biggest Loser" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-PG) ... The uninvited on "Last Man Standing" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-PG) ... New Year's blues on "90210" (8 p.m., CW, TV-14).

Hetty at large on "NCIS: Los Angeles" (9 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... "Celebrity Wife Swap" (9 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

LATE NIGHT

Fred Armisen appears on "Conan" (11 p.m., TBS) ... Ricky Gervais and Kathleen Edwards are booked on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS) ... Jay Leno welcomes Sam Worthington, Sherri Shepherd and Adam Lambert on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC) ... Katherine Heigl, Ne-Yo and Grouplove appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC).

Kyra Sedgwick and Outasight chat on "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" (12:35 a.m., NBC) ... Craig Ferguson hosts Colin Firth on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS).

** ** **

COPS AND GHOSTS MINGLE ON 'ALCATRAZ' AND 'LOST GIRL'

2012-01-16T04:26:00.001-08:00

-- So there's this island where strange things happen and people who should be very old or dead show up unchanged nearly half a century later. And there's an underground lair filled with computers that may or may not be the source of the weirdness. And it stars Jorge Garcia, and it's created by J.J. Abrams. Only Garcia's character is no Hurley and "Alcatraz" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-14) is no "Lost."

Before the credits even roll, we learn that the very night Alcatraz prison was supposed to close in 1963, more than 300 inmates and guards simply vanished. Fast-forward to the present day and the residents are returning unchanged. And they're Rip Van Grumpy!

Hot on the mystery is Det. Rebecca Madsen (Sarah Jones), a fetching young policewoman. She enlists shaggy Alcatraz expert Dr. Diego Soto (Garcia) as her sidekick. He's written four books on "The Rock" and likes to play video games with teenagers. Like Hurley, he has a habit of making oddball commentary on the action, but these asides don't seem as fresh coming from a guy with so many advanced degrees. Mystery man Emerson Hauser (Sam Neill) is first seen thwarting Madsen in her search, and then recruiting her. Needless to say they all have personal connections to the penitentiary. And as on "Lost," the island itself has them in its clutches.

On "Lost," both the audience and the characters seemed joined in confusion and mystery, saying, "What the heck is going on?" at roughly the same moments. Here, the police-procedural aspect of the story sort of takes half the fun away.

-- The imported Canadian series "Lost Girl" (10 p.m., Syfy) also mixes police work with the supernatural. Poor Bo (Anna Silk) has quite a problem. She's a shapely thing and eye candy for the lads, but she keeps waking up with dead boyfriends. She just doesn't know that she's a Succubus, a powerful folk heroine capable of inhaling the life force of those near and dear.

Early on in the pilot, she uses her special power to protect Kenzi (Ksenia Solo), a waif-like pickpocket, from a violent cad who just slipped her a date rape pill. The discovery of that creep's dead body sets off alarms at the police department, but also among members of the folk-fairy demimonde known as the Fae.

After a crackling start, "Girl" gets a tad dull and contrived when Bo has to contend with the Fae and their arcane rivalries, rituals and hierarchy. It's a little like "Twilight" that way.

For the record, Saturday brought us "The Fades" and tonight we have the Fae. Just saying.

-- Stars gather for "Betty White's 90th Birthday: A Tribute to America's Golden Girl" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-PG). A preview of White's candid-camera series "Betty White's Off Their Rockers" (9:30 p.m., TV-PG) follows. Hallmark commemorates the day with an 11-hour "Golden Girls" (3 p.m.) marathon.

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- First lady Michelle Obama appears on "iCarly" (7:30 p.m., Nickelodeon) to hail the service of military families and discuss their special needs.

-- "The Layover" (9 p.m., Travel, TV-PG) has a brief stay in London.

-- Shocking news about White on "Hawaii Five-O" (10 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

-- Death in the motor pool on "Castle" (10 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

CULT CHOICE

A couple of none-too-bright gym employees (Frances McDormand and Brad Pitt) think they can outsmart the CIA in the Coen brothers' 2008 comedy "Burn After Reading" (7 p.m., Fox Movie Channel), a cooly cynical exploration of randomly thrown together strangers with conflicting perceptions and motivations.

SERIES NOTES

Suburban life on "How I Met Your Mother" (8 p.m., CBS, TV-14) ... "The Bachelor" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-PG) ... Vera Wang guest-stars on "Gossip Girl" (8 p.m., CW) ... Weird neighbors on "2 Broke Girls" (8:30 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

Grooming counts on "Two and a Half Men" (9 p.m., CBS, TV-14) ... Christmas in Bluebell on "Hart of Dixie" (9 p.m., CW, r, TV-14) ... Victoria behind bars on "Mike & Molly" (9:30 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

LATE NIGHT

Kate Beckinsale, Stephen Merchant and St. Vincent appear on "Conan" (11 p.m., TBS).

Simon Baker and Seal are booked on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS) ... Don Cheadle, David Cross and Boyz II Men appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC, r).

Liam Neeson, Piers Morgan and Chiddy Bang chat on "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" (12:35 a.m., NBC) ... Craig Ferguson hosts Lucy Liu and Kevin Sorbo on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

TEENAGE BED-WETTER SAVES THE WORLD

2012-01-14T05:23:00.000-08:00

How do you stand out while making yet another coming-of-age teen drama? Fold it into a supernatural fantasy. It's something Steven Spielberg has been doing for decades. That "Twilight" franchise seems to have found an audience. But it doesn't always work. Happily, "The Fades" (9 p.m. Saturday, BBC America, TV-14) does. For all of the horror, undead doings and apocalyptic creepiness erupting here, its teen characters seem 20 times more human than anybody on ABC Family or MTV.

Social outcast Paul (Iain De Caestecker) is 17 but seems much younger, as does his sidekick, Mac (Daniel Kaluuya). They spend most of their time riding their bikes and talking about sci-fi movies and games until they break into an abandoned shopping center and Paul happens upon a horrific scene. It seems Paul can see "Fades," undead human spirits that dwell among us. Paul joins a very small society of those who can see Fades, and some of them suspect that the growing number of specters foretells the day when the dead will crowd out the living and bring on the end of the world.

A child of divorce with a wicked twin sister, Paul is a particularly angst-ridden teen before discovering this peculiar gift. And as the plot unfolds, we discover that he's probably the only world-saving hero who occasionally wets the bed.

The teenage pathos is so believable, funny and occasionally touching, that I found myself resenting it whenever horror and fantasy elements returned to the front burner. The patter between Paul and Mac is particularly well done, ranging from the weird, silly chitchat of "Psych" to far more nuanced drama. They're quite convincing as friends who have only each other until the Fades enter Paul's dreams and waking life. Note: Viewers may find some of the U.K. accents and slang a tad difficult to understand.

-- I like to leave sports to the sports pages, but nobody could have scripted a game like the AFC Divisional Playoff between the New England Patriots and the Denver Broncos (8 p.m. Saturday, CBS). On paper, the Patriots and their quarterback Tom Brady are vastly superior, thrashing the Broncos in their previous encounter. But Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow has made an exciting habit of pulling out heart-stopping wins -- often after playing quite dreadfully for three quarters or more. Last week, Denver's playoff game ended with an 80-yard heave just seconds into overtime that surprised everybody, even Tebow.

Add to that Tebow's very public piety and the adulation it attracts, and you have all the ingredients for the most watched football game of the season, to be surpassed only by the Super Bowl.

-- There was a time when hit movies inspired "novelizations," quickie books describing the story of a film you'd already seen a dozen times. There wasn't much point in reading them. And there are not many reasons to watch the animated "Napoleon Dynamite" (8:30 p.m. and 9:30 p.m. Sunday, Fox, TV-14) either.

In the show's defense, it's supposed to offer a kind of sequel, or a deeper exploration of the movie's characters and elements, like the Cartoon Network's "Clone Wars," which is an animated version of "Star Wars." But I couldn't help feeling that the 2004 movie's extraordinarily languid pace and deadpan sensibility seemed particularly ill-suited to animation's manic potential. At worst, it makes viewers think that the charming, original comedy was a "Beavis and Butt-Head" imitation.

All of the actors behind the movie's characters have returned to provide the voices. It's a reunion they should have skipped.

-- Ricky Gervais hosts "The 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards" (8 p.m. Sunday, NBC) for the third time. Look for plenty of awkward moments. It's fruitless to try to anticipate the winners, but I will go out on a limb to predict that "American Horror Story" will pick up some trophies in the TV categories. It's an odd, lurid and addictive show that seems particularly suited to the slightly off-center tastes of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association that votes on the Golden Globes.

I'll be very shocked if Jessica Lange doesn't win best supporting actress for "Story." For those who haven't seen it, imagine if Blanche DuBois wandered into "The Shining," and you're just getting started. At a time when some of the best dramas on television ("Homeland," "Boardwalk Empire") are slow to build and unfold, "Story" is a toboggan ride of unexpected shocks. To put it bluntly, stuff happens on that show -- scary, bizarre and unexpected stuff. And it happens all the time. The only downside to "Story" and its onslaught of action is that it's hard to imagine how it can pick up the threads next season. I can't wait.

SATURDAY'S HIGHLIGHTS

-- Teri Polo stars in "A Taste of Romance" (8 p.m., Hallmark).

-- Brooke Burke-Charvet hosts "The 2012 Miss America Pageant" (9 p.m., ABC) live from Las Vegas. Bring back Atlantic City!

-- A cosmic mishap rocks Mercury out of its orbit in the 2012 shocker "Collision Earth" (9 p.m., Syfy, TV-14).

-- Madonna, James D'Arcy, Andrea Riseborough and Emeli Sande appear on "The Graham Norton Show" (10:45 p.m., BBC America, TV-MA).

-- Daniel Radcliffe hosts "Saturday Night Live" (11:30 p.m., NBC, TV-14), featuring musical guest Lana Del Rey.

SUNDAY'S HIGHLIGHTS

-- Scheduled on "60 Minutes" (7 p.m., CBS): Groupon CEO Andrew Mason.

-- "Undercover Boss" (8 p.m., CBS, TV-PG) returns for a new season.

-- Orphaned children need help on "Once Upon a Time" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

-- Alicia defends a lawyer's right to silence on "The Good Wife" (9 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

-- Wartime needs turn Downton into a hospital for officers on "Downton Abbey" on "Masterpiece Classic" (9 p.m., PBS, check local listings).

-- Gaby plays corporate matchmaker on "Desperate Housewives" (9 p.m., ABC, TV-14).

-- Tensions mount before a first-ever commercial flight to Moscow on "Pan Am" (10 p.m., ABC, TV-14).

-- Cullen's fateful choice on "Hell on Wheels" (10 p.m., AMC, TV-MA).

-- A twister-chaser in need of a dermatologist visits Tornado Alley on "World's Smallest Storm Chaser" (10 p.m., TLC, TV-PG).

CULT CHOICE

A gruff major (Lee Marvin) enlists 12 criminals to raid a posh Nazi headquarters in the 1967 thriller "The Dirty Dozen" (8 p.m. Saturday, Military Channel, TV-PG).

SATURDAY SERIES

Witnesses are unprotected on the two-hour pilot episode of "The Firm" (8 p.m., NBC, r, TV-14) ... On back-to-back episodes of "Cops" (Fox, TV-14): apprehended (8 p.m.), unhinged (8:30 p.m.) ... "Wipeout" (8 p.m., ABC, r).

Even the past has a past on "Terra Nova" (9 p.m., Fox, r, TV-14) ... A victim's mental status casts doubt on his testimony on "Law & Order: SVU" (10 p.m., NBC, r, TV-14).

SUNDAY SERIES

Social networking runs amok on "The Simpsons" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-PG) ... Brian's new squeeze has a serious downside on "Family Guy" (9 p.m., Fox, TV-14) ... Murder procures an escort on "CSI: Miami" (10 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

AMERICA'S MOST BIGOTED FAMILY, PART II!

2012-01-13T04:55:00.001-08:00

-- Tonight, a filmmaker returns to a family so loathsome, it's funny. Almost. Louis Theroux revisits the peculiarly vengeful Phelps clan in his new documentary "America's Most Hated Family" (10 p.m., National Geographic, TV-14). The Phelpses are the family/congregation behind the infamous Westboro Baptist Church, the folks who hold up taunting signs at funerals, "celebrating" those who died and demonstrating their belief that America has become demonic and impure.

A slight, irreverent figure and British to boot, Theroux often resembles John Oliver of "The Daily Show." Before that series became a source of "news" for millions of younger viewers, it was best known for cruel ambush interviews with the deranged and self-deluded.

The Phelpses are well aware that Theroux is using interviews with them for ironic, if not comic, effect. At the same time, they know that any exposure is good publicity for their reviled cause and microscopic following.

Theroux spends much of the film following up on members he interviewed four years ago for the first "Hated" documentary. And several of those congregants, young women in their 20s, have left the fold. Theroux also interviews these exiles' parents, who display a chilling indifference to the loss of their daughters, dismissing their departure as choosing hell over salvation. Case closed.

It's impossible to showcase behavior and beliefs so extreme without tipping over into absurdity. We're shown some young teens practicing choreography to popular music with the lyrics changed to reflect the Phelps family's penchant for vicious homophobia. Theroux hangs out with a 7-year-old convinced that "the Anti-Christ lives in the White House" and visits a young woman whose room is painted with tidal waves to rejoice in the deaths of sinners claimed by recent tsunamis.

One particularly astringent Phelps woman is the spitting image of Jane Lynch's grandmother character in "Talladega Nights." Given so much weird material, I wouldn't be surprised if somebody turns the Phelps family into a sitcom. Or at least a reality show. Many of the family's followers already seem camera-savvy. And in Theroux's hands, they've become the Kardashians of intolerance.

-- After a quasi retirement almost two years ago, Bill Moyers returns with "Moyers & Company" (Check local listings, PBS). The hourlong series will examine pressing contemporary issues, beginning this week with a look at reasons behind growing income inequality in the United States and its effects on the economy, civic life and culture.

While Moyers is returning to public television, "Moyers & Company" is not being produced by PBS, but by American Public Television. As a result, his program will not air on the same night in every market. If you can't find "Moyers & Company" in tonight's listings, look for it on Saturday or Sunday.

Starting next Wednesday, the website BillMoyers.com will launch a feature where episodes of "Moyers & Company" can be streamed, as well as many of his programs from years past, including the recent "Now With Bill Moyers," "Joseph Campbell and the Power of Myth" from 1988, and episodes of "This Week With Bill Moyers," which date back to 1971. This should prove to be a virtual television time capsule for viewers who like to think.

-- Actress Anna Deavere Smith embodies a parade of different characters discussing issues of declining health, life and death in the "Great Performances" (9 p.m., PBS, TV-14) presentation "Let Me Down Easy."

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- A major rift on "A Gifted Man" (8 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

-- Bo Derek guest-stars on "Chuck" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-PG).

-- Bruised feelings in the Peach State on "Kitchen Nightmares" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-14).

-- Victims become suspects on "CSI: NY" (9 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

-- An escaped fugitive exhibits remarkable powers on "Grimm" (9 p.m., NBC, TV-14).

-- Peter crosses to the other side to confront a parallel Walter on "Fringe" (9 p.m., Fox, TV-14).

-- Federal inspectors arrive during around-the-clock operations on "Gold Rush" (9 p.m., Discovery, TV-PG).

-- A witness casts doubt on an officer's motives on "Blue Bloods" (10 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

-- Doug and Claire can't live without "Battlestar Galactica" on "Portlandia" (10 p.m., IFC, TV-14).

-- Harold Perrineau provides the voice of a superhero in the animated series "Blade" (11 p.m., G4, TV-14).

CULT CHOICE

Actor and director Woody Allen spoofs ponderous Russian literature in the 1975 comedy "Love and Death" (10 p.m., TCM).

SERIES NOTES

Two helpings of "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" (8 p.m. and 9 p.m., ABC, TV-PG) ... Percy plans an escape on "Nikita" (8 p.m., CW, TV-PG).

A time warp takes Dean back to the 1940s on "Supernatural" (9 p.m., CW, TV-14) ... "Dateline" (10 p.m., NBC) ... "20/20" (10 p.m., ABC).

LATE NIGHT

Viggo Mortensen and Tony Bennett appear on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS) ... Jay Leno welcomes Tilda Swinton, Jennifer Hudson and Graffiti6 on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC).

Queen Latifah and Miranda Cosgrove are on "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" (12:35 a.m., NBC) ... Craig Ferguson hosts Kristen Bell and Louie Anderson on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

'ROB' EXHUMES SOME OLD SCHOOL COMEDY TRADITIONS

2012-01-12T04:01:00.000-08:00

-- "Rob" (8:30 p.m., CBS, TV-PG) is not as horrible as I had feared. And that's saying a lot.

Rob Schneider ("The Hot Chick") plays the title character, a fussy, obsessive-compulsive landscape architect and bachelor who impulsively marries Maggie (Claudia Bassols) in Las Vegas. There's little chemistry between the two leads, who are supposed to be madly in love.

Comedy ensues when Maggie feels compelled to integrate Rob into her large Mexican-American family. Cue the ancient, lame ethnic jokes. It's a little sad to see a network comedy fumbling so awkwardly around Hispanic-American culture 60 years after Lucy married a Cuban bandleader on "I Love Lucy."

The chief tensions on "Rob" are between Rob and his in-laws, Fernando (Cheech Marin) and Rosa (Diana Maria Riva). Ethnic jokes! In-law humor! It feels about as fresh as a Dean Martin roast.

For its many faults, "Rob" is a rare comedy that actually admits that grown-ups have extended family ties, tensions, affections and responsibilities. Devoid of any discernible ethnicity, Rob is a perfect symbol of rootless contemporary TV characters. He complains about his mother's insistence that he see her "almost every Christmas."

If "Rob" survives (and it could just thrive), it's because Cheech Marin has the potential to play Archie Bunker to Rob's Meathead. Clearly aimed at a large and growing Hispanic audience, "Rob" would do well to downplay Rob and put the accent on Maggie's disapproving family.

-- A whimsical series with a whiff of spirituality, "The Finder" (9 p.m., Fox, TV-14), stars Geoff Stults as Walter, a wounded veteran whose brain damage enables him, or perhaps compels him, to locate the missing. His sidekick, Leo (Michael Clarke Duncan), owns a bar called the Ends of the Earth in the Florida Keys. Walter saved Leo from his dark side, which allows, or rather compels, Leo to spout quasi-mystical stuff about Walter's mission and destiny. There's also a fetching U.S. Marshal (Mercedes Masohn) to keep the guys out of trouble, and an adopted runaway, Willa (Maddie Hasson), whom Leo is trying to save from her dark past.

Like Walter, "The Finder" is purposefully casual to the point of ragged. In the opening scenes, Walter relocates a stolen guitar belonging to John Fogerty (playing himself), who then regales us with a solo version of "Fortunate Son" before the action resumes on another job.

With a little "Monk," a little "Psych" and a pinch of "MacGyver," "The Finder" has the feel of a not-bad cable series and will probably find an audience to match.

-- "Paradise Lost 3" (9 p.m., HBO) concludes the case of the West Memphis Three, recently released after 18 years in prison.

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- Jenna's celebrity irks Tracy on the season premiere of "30 Rock" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-14).

-- A cryptic message, written in blood, on "Bones" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-14).

-- Carter becomes a witness on "Person of Interest" (9 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

-- Andy finds a sales goal daunting on "The Office" (9 p.m., NBC, TV-PG).

-- A delicate separation on "Grey's Anatomy" (9 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

-- A divorce lawyer's murder yields plenty of suspects on "The Mentalist" (10 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

-- Mitch must take one for the team on "The Firm" (10 p.m., NBC, TV-14).

-- A frisky quartet adjusts to single life on "Private Practice" (10 p.m., ABC, TV-14).

-- "Independent Lens" (9 p.m., PBS, check local listings) begins a five-part history of apartheid, "Have You Heard From Johannesburg?"

CULT CHOICE

A downed airman (David Niven) cheats death, then challenges a heavenly tribunal in the 1946 fantasy "A Matter of Life and Death" (12:30 a.m., TCM).

SERIES NOTES

Penny offers advice on "The Big Bang Theory" (8 p.m., CBS, TV-PG) ... "Wipeout" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-PG) ... An unwelcome milestone on "The Vampire Diaries" (8 p.m., CW, TV-14) ... Leslie's major event on "Parks and Recreation" (8:30 p.m., NBC, TV-PG).

Faye sparks a power struggle on "The Secret Circle" (9 p.m., CW, TV-PG) ... A New Year's Eve to forget on "Up All Night" (9:30 p.m., NBC, TV-14).

LATE NIGHT

Dolly Parton is scheduled on "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" (11 p.m., Comedy Central) ... Ricky Gervais, Wladimir Klitschko and James Durbin appear on "Conan" (11 p.m., TBS) ... Mike Allen sits down on "The Colbert Report" (11:30 p.m., Comedy Central).

Johnny Winter is on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS) ... Jay Leno welcomes Gerard Butler and Betty White on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC) ... Meryl Streep and Stephen Merchant appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC).

Daniel Radcliffe, Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Common visit "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" (12:35 a.m., NBC) ... Craig Ferguson hosts Hugh Laurie on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

SELF-ABSORBED SITCOM LACKS LAUGHS, WIT AND A POINT

2012-01-11T04:03:00.000-08:00

"Are You There, Chelsea?" (8:30 p.m., NBC, TV-14) arrives tonight. And like a dead body washed up on the shore, it's an unsightly, bloated, hideous desecration of a sitcom that passers-by may glance at out of curiosity -- or pity -- before averting their eyes.

Of all the ways to adapt the memoirs of a self-proclaimed promiscuous, alcoholic narcissist for the screen, a traditional three-camera, laugh-tracked sitcom is the very last I'd choose.

Based on a best-selling book by aggressively vulgar talk show host Chelsea Handler, "Chelsea" stars Laura Prepon in the title role, one that threatens to erase our memories of her charming turn in "That '70s Show." She plays a sexually omnivorous waitress at a sports bar who oozes a confidence that she can land any man she chooses. Preferably after drinking him under the table.

A contrived pilot has her arrested for DUI and landing a cheap apartment with a goofy, virginal roommate, Dee Dee (Lauren Lapkus), whom Chelsea and her sour, skanky sidekick, Olivia (Ali Wong), adopt as a strange and amusing pet.

"Chelsea" is not the first comedy to showcase a promiscuous woman prone to saying outrageous, if not filthy, things. Patsy and Edina on "Absolutely Fabulous" and Karen on "Will & Grace" come to mind. But those series had two ingredients sadly lacking on "Chelsea": Smart, witty dialogue and fearless physical comedy.

While we can imagine Prepon's Chelsea will eventually "learn" from her mistakes, there's little about her that's sympathetic or funny. If a male character behaved like Chelsea, he would be considered either a bully or the kind of brash lothario (usually named Chad) whom the real comic (or romantic) hero must overcome. Neither figure inspires sympathy or humor. Some may find Chelsea's character to be "liberated" or "empowered," but that argument has nothing to do with comedy.

Sarah Silverman also worked these fields some years back. Her foul-mouthed cable sitcom was daring, shocking, narratively adventurous and weird. Everything "Chelsea" is not. With the exception of its relentless R-rated language and crude insinuation, "Chelsea" could have been written by people who stopped watching sitcoms shortly after the debut of "Cheers."

Silverman's show also had an older sister who played Sarah's moral compass and voice of reason. Here, Chelsea's older, wiser, pregnant sister, Sloane, is played by Handler herself, an act of self-congratulation that's supposed to seem clever but comes off as arrogant. Then again, that could be said of this entire enterprise.

If there is a silver lining in this grim affair, it's Lapkus' turn as Dee Dee. Her elastic, slinky body, saucerlike eyes and exaggerated features give the show its only hint of physical comedy. Dee Dee's deft and desperate efforts to change the subject every time Chelsea and Olivia launch into raunchy talk provide the show's only glimmer of wit. And this proves, once again, that real comedy requires obstacles and self-restraint. When you can say just about anything, nothing you say is terribly amusing or interesting.

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- Howie Mandel hosts two episodes of "Mobbed" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-PG).

-- Domestic adjustments abound on the ninth and final season premiere of "One Tree Hill" (8 p.m., CW, TV-PG).

-- "True Life" (8 p.m., MTV) profiles a teen with hard-to-please parents.

-- Would-be parents want to adopt a higher primate on "Harry's Law" (9 p.m., NBC, TV-14).

-- A school project gets obsessive treatment on "Modern Family" (9 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

-- Folks anoint their favorites on "People's Choice Awards 2012" (9 p.m., CBS).

-- Add "I Cloned My Pet" (9 p.m., TLC, TV-PG) to the network's slate of freaky reality fare.

-- A theater's stage becomes a crime scene on "Law & Order: SVU" (10 p.m., NBC, TV-14).

-- Another notch in Emily's belt on "Revenge" (10 p.m., ABC, TV-14).

-- The costume/special effects competition series "Face Off" (10 p.m., Syfy, TV-14) enters its second season.

CULT CHOICE

John Leguizamo portrays a clown from hell in the 1997 comic book adaptation "Spawn" (7 p.m., Fox Movie Channel, TV-14).

SERIES NOTES

Congressional scrutiny on "Criminal Minds" (8 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... Privacy on "Whitney" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-14) ... Frankie smells the roses on "The Middle" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-PG) ... Social radar on "Suburgatory" (8:30 p.m., ABC, TV-14) ... The caged bird doesn't sing on "Happy Endings" (9:30 p.m., ABC, TV-14).

LATE NIGHT

Jack McBrayer and Justin Verlander appear on "Conan" (11 p.m., TBS).

Dolly Parton is booked on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS) ... Jay Leno welcomes Liam Neeson and Jack's Mannequin on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC) ... Woody Harrelson appears on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC).

Rosie O'Donnell and Robin Thicke visit "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" (12:35 a.m., NBC) ... Craig Ferguson hosts Adam Goldberg on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

WITH 'SHIPPING WARS,' A&E RACES TO THE BOTTOM

2012-01-10T04:46:00.000-08:00

-- Do shows like "Shipping Wars" (9 and 9:30 p.m., A&E, TV-PG) celebrate free enterprise? Or give it a bad name?

Economists use the term "race to the bottom" to describe (and decry) trade practices that destroy industries, economies and societies. Countries lower their standards of living to compete, only to fall victim to competitors willing to work for even less. The fruits of this process can be found at a Wal-Mart near you.

"Shipping Wars" is all about the race to the bottom. It follows four independent trucker/shippers who try to make a living transporting items too big, too unwieldy or too strange for established shippers to handle.

They try to undercut one another while bidding through an online shipping auction house. The trick is in knowing how low you can bid and still make money on the job after taking into account time and expenses, such as gas and insurance. Bidders often are too eager or inexperienced to strike that balance. Sometimes the experienced truckers goad the rookies into disastrous lowball bids just to "mess with them."

Once the job is "won," the truckers confront their tasks and shenanigans ensue. The notion of mining comedy from the slipping and sliding of unprofessional shippers is at least as old as Laurel and Hardy shorts, or silent movies.

"Shipping Wars" is not the first series on cable, or even A&E, to showcase and celebrate cutthroat competition as entertainment. In fact, "Shipping Wars" airs between four episodes of "Storage Wars" (8, 8:30, 10 and 10:30 p.m.). Remember "Storage Wars"? That's the program where they make a sport of bidding on the contents of lockers once rented by people too poor or unlucky to keep up their payments. What fun! Congratulations, A&E. What a programming sandwich! A dollop of desperation between slices of exploitation!

What's next, A&E? "Eviction Wars"? "Fun With Foreclosures"? "I Wanna Sell My Kidney (To Pay Off My College Loans)"? How low can you go?

-- Billy the Kid wasn't even named Billy the Kid. His real name was Henry McCarty. The Wild West legend was born to Irish immigrants in a New York slum. And, as a young teen in New Mexico, he was more smitten with that territory's Hispanic culture than with its cowboy ways. The 24th season premiere of "American Experience" (9 p.m., PBS) explores the facts behind the myth.

-- Folks in search of a feeble photocopy of "Project Runway" could do worse than "24 Hour Catwalk" (10 p.m., Lifetime). Alexa Chung hosts with little enthusiasm.

-- TV-themed DVDs available today include the first season of "Boardwalk Empire."

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- Jocks and singers join forces on "Glee" (8 p.m., Fox, r, TV-14).

-- Brandon Routh, Jesse Bradford and Sophia Bush star in the straight-to-DVD romantic comedy "Table for Three" (8 p.m., CW).

-- A sight Jess can't unsee on "New Girl" (9 p.m., Fox, r, TV-14).

-- "Dance Moms" (9 p.m., Lifetime) returns.

-- Amy Sedaris guest-stars on "Raising Hope" (9:30 p.m., Fox, r, TV-14).

-- A suspect gets under Carrie's skin on "Unforgettable" (10 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

-- Press coverage vexes Crosby on "Parenthood" (10 p.m., NBC, TV-14).

-- Murder undercover on "Body of Proof" (10 p.m., ABC, TV-14).

CULT CHOICE

A deranged general (Sterling Hayden) plunges the world into nuclear war in director Stanley Kubrick's 1964 Cold War satire "Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb" (10 p.m., TCM). The film stars Peter Sellers in three roles.

SERIES NOTES

Yet another murder in the Navy on "NCIS" (8 p.m., CBS, TV-PG, V) ... "The Biggest Loser" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-PG) ... Take your daughter to work day on "Last Man Standing" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-PG) ... Work in the field on "Work It" (8:30 p.m., ABC, TV-14).

Sam's too close to a case on "NCIS: Los Angeles" (9 p.m., CBS, TV-14) ... "Celebrity Wife Swap" (9 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

LATE NIGHT

Chelsea Handler and "The Doyle and Debbie Show" cast appear on "Conan" (11 p.m., TBS) ... Kate Beckinsale, Marv Albert and The Little Willies are booked on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS) ... Jay Leno welcomes Queen Latifah, Pauly D and Augustana on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC) ... Randy Jackson, Dermot Mulroney and Will Hoge appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC).

Tina Fey and The War on Drugs are on "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" (12:35 a.m., NBC) ... Craig Ferguson hosts Isaac Mizrahi on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

CAN THE 'HARRY POTTER' SET REANIMATE THE SOAP OPERA?

2012-01-09T05:25:00.000-08:00

-- Are soap operas dead or merely morphing into something else? Every season brings another obituary for a favorite daytime distraction. But when a series like "All My Children" departs, something different but still quite similar takes its place. Viewers who have drifted away from the contrived afternoon romances still turn up for "The Bachelor" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-14), an inane time waster that makes "One Life to Live" look like Chekhov in comparison.

Viewers far too young to have ever seen "As the World Turns" are tuning into a very old-fashioned sort of soap. Now in its second season, "House of Anubis" (7 p.m., Nickelodeon, TV-G) concerns a group of teen students at a British boarding school with an occult vibe. It's as if Hogwarts moved to a rather iffy bed-and-breakfast.

The teens form cliques, befriend and shun one another, and dabble in magic in half-hour dollops. Like any soap or telenovela, "Anubis" airs nightly; there are already 45 new episodes to sample this season.

And, similar to other soaps that are churned out in serial fashion, "Anubis" has a decidedly low-budget feel with lots of hit-or-miss performances. It also has a distinctly imported sensibility. Shot in the U.K. and produced for a European audience, "Anubis" has a visual palette that's far removed from the shiny, happy, live-action cartoon aesthetic of a show like "Victorious" or its Disney competition. There's also far less emphasis on one-liners or jokes. It's like a dour "Degrassi" with ghosts and spells.

If viewers of a certain age were to stumble upon "Anubis," they might think it's some PBS station recycling a Britcom from the early 1970s. It really looks that dark and cheaply made. And I mean that in the nicest way.

-- While the gang watching Nick is matriculating at "Anubis," Discovery's audience is getting a very different orientation. "First Week In" (9 p.m., TV-14) follows folks as they are "welcomed" into the penal system from the moment of their arrest onward. The show puts a special emphasis on first offenders, chronicling their interaction with officers and guards as well as other inmates who are more hardened to their environment.

"Week" is part of a crime-themed night on Discovery, from "Gang Wars" (8 p.m., TV-14) to back-to-back helpings of "Mobster Confessions" (10 p.m. and 10:30 p.m., TV-14). Something to cuddle up to on a long winter's night.

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- Charity can be contagious on "House" (8 p.m., Fox, r, TV-14).

-- "The Layover" (9 p.m., Travel, TV-PG) visits the meat and potatoes side of San Francisco.

-- A surprise visit to the slammer on "Hawaii Five-O" (10 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

-- Scheduled on "Rock Center With Brian Williams" (10 p.m., NBC): Mitt Romney's family, charity work in Haiti, George Clooney.

-- A bachelor's fling ends in death on "Castle" (10 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

-- "Unsung" (10 p.m., TV One, TV-PG) recalls Bobby Womack.

-- Advice galore on "America's Money Class With Suze Orman" (9 p.m., OWN, TV-PG).

-- Parsimony gets a bad name on "Extreme Cheapskates" (10 p.m., TLC, r, TV-PG).

--"Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations" (10 p.m., Travel, r, TV-PG) visits New York state's Hudson Valley region.

CULT CHOICE

Writer/director Mel Brooks sends up the Western movie genre in the 1974 comedy "Blazing Saddles" (8 p.m., AMC, TV-14).

SERIES NOTES

Memories of weddings past on "How I Met Your Mother" (8 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... Trivia galore on "Who's Still Standing?" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-PG) ... Charlie's orientation on "Gossip Girl" (8 p.m., CW, r, TV-14) ... Cupcakes 4-ever on "2 Broke Girls" (8:30 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

A very familiar face on "Two and a Half Men" (9 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... Tasty roaches and grasshoppers on "Fear Factor" (9 p.m., NBC, TV-PG) ... Time to give thanks on "Hart of Dixie" (9 p.m., CW, r, TV-PG) ... Otherwise engaged on "Mike & Molly" (9:30 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

LATE NIGHT

David Cross appears on "Conan" (11 p.m., TBS).

Mark Wahlberg and Snow Patrol appear on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS) ... Jay Leno welcomes Janet Jackson, Larry the Cable Guy and Eli Young Band on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC) ... Channing Tatum, Ben Flajnik and Uh Huh Her appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC).

Mark Wahlberg and Surfer Blood visit "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" (12:35 a.m., NBC) ... Craig Ferguson hosts Howie Mandel on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

IS 'DOWNTON' THE TV EVENT OF THE YEAR?

2012-01-07T04:17:00.000-08:00

The television event of the season, if not the entire year, "Downton Abbey, Season 2" debuts on "Masterpiece" (9 p.m. Sunday, PBS). An "Upstairs Downstairs" for the 21st century that far surpasses the recent remake of that "Masterpiece" phenomenon, "Downton" returns three years into World War I, as the grim death toll touches members of every class.

The backdrop of war and social upheaval puts a historical gloss on a classic and addictive melodrama, a tale of a major estate with a contested heir, of loves misguided, misdirected and contrived. Everyone at Downton, it seems, is trying to manipulate somebody else into doing their bidding, and the string pulling runs up and down the hierarchy.

Once again, Maggie Smith presides with a regal hauteur combined with an almost childlike frankness. She always states her mind and gets nearly all of the best lines.

"Downton" is not perfect. Too often Lord Grantham (Hugh Bonneville) is reduced to time-marking platitudes like, "We're witnessing the end of an era." Lady Grantham (Elizabeth McGovern) appears in an unvarying array of reaction shots as her icy blue eyes widen in disdain, shock, horror or amusement. A subplot about a daughter's love for a rebellious chauffeur appears to go nowhere and takes its sweet time getting there.

But at the end of the day (or at least until "Downton" ends on Feb. 19), nobody will much care about such quibbles. "Downton" is best enjoyed for the gorgeous locations, beautiful sets and onslaught of period wardrobe changes that must have required a sweatshop of nimble seamstresses. "Downton" is a lock for every costume award at the Emmys.

More than 13 million viewers watched the first "Downton," and a million more streamed it online. In its native U.K., "Downton" is the most popular and acclaimed miniseries since "Brideshead Revisited" debuted in 1981. It's not because "Downton" is the best acted, most cleverly scripted, most profound story ever. It's because it combines great, overlapping human-interest stories against a backdrop of historical heartbreak and staggering beauty, art-directed to perfection.

In a medium where many programs run too many seasons and most movies are at least an hour too long, "Downton" is one of those rare offerings -- a series you hope never ends.

-- Men just want to be left alone to watch football, but women want to "improve" them. That's the lesson of "Fixing Pete" (8 p.m. Saturday, Hallmark, TV-PG). Like many of this network's offerings, "Pete" seems to have run out of creative gas shortly after it was cast. Look for Valerie Harper (yes, "Rhoda" herself!) as a high-powered publisher who assigns fledgling writer Ashley (Brooke Burns) her very own column on the condition that she dedicate it to the makeover of Pete (Dylan Bruno), a slovenly sportswriter. He has little interest in the project, but his boss, played by John Ratzenberger ("Cheers"), insists. Stacy Keibler ("Dancing With the Stars") also appears.

-- Did Cesar Millan's whisper grow more faint? "The Dog Whisperer" (8 p.m. Saturday) returns with 10 episodes of wayward pets and their rehabilitation, but this time on National Geographic Wild, the high-definition spinoff network launched just last year.

Over on the cable mother ship, Cesar's been replaced by "Ultimate Factories" (8 p.m. Saturday, National Geographic), the series offering behind-the-scenes tours of facilities that manufacture familiar products, like Ford automobiles, Frito-Lay snack foods and Heineken beers. Tonight: a visit to the Porsche factory in Leipzig, Germany. Next week, it's off to the Mack Truck factory in Macungie, Pa.

-- Based on the 1991 John Grisham legal thriller that was made into a 1993 Tom Cruise movie, "The Firm" (9 p.m. Sunday, NBC, TV-14) returns as an hourly series after a two-hour pilot that only seems much, much longer.

When Mitch McDeere (Josh Lucas) is first seen running for his life, "The Firm" takes on the mile-a-second pace of a "Bourne" movie. But that peters out in about five minutes. Then we're stuck in an elaborate flashback that explains Mitch's 10 years in witness protection and the recently paroled mobster's son whom Mitch helped put away now threatening him and his family. There are also Mitch's money problems and two pro bono homicide defenses that eat up all of his time.

Juliette Lewis all but steals the show as Mitch's wrapped-too-tight sister-in-law, his sassy office manager forever in need of a nicotine fix. Mitch and "The Firm" return to the schedule Thursday nights, where, presumably, both will run for their lives.

-- Don Cheadle stars in the new Showtime comedy "House of Lies" (10 p.m. Sunday, Showtime, TV-MA). He's an amoral business consultant with the ability to stop time and explain to the audience just what's going on. Too bad none of it is believable or very interesting.

SATURDAY'S HIGHLIGHTS

-- The Lions and Saints meet in the NFC Wild Card game (8 p.m., NBC).

-- Republican candidates for president debate before a New Hampshire audience (9 p.m., ABC).

-- Scheduled on "48 Hours Mystery" (10 p.m., CBS): Adultery plus murder equals intrigue.

-- Gerard Butler, Karen Gillan and Noel Gallagher appear on "The Graham Norton Show" (10 p.m., BBC America, TV-MA).

-- Charles Barkley hosts "Saturday Night Live" (11:30 p.m., NBC, TV-14), featuring musical guest Kelly Clarkson.

SUNDAY'S HIGHLIGHTS

-- Scheduled on "60 Minutes" (7 p.m., CBS): stem cell research, brothers in arms, the allure of truffles.

-- Scheduled on "Dateline" (8 p.m., NBC): Jennifer Hudson; a honeymoon cruise ends in mystery.

-- Homer becomes a radio talk show host and Republican kingmaker on "The Simpsons" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-PG). Ted Nugent guest-voices.

-- Emma throws her hat into the ring on "Once Upon a Time" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

-- A former client lodges serious charges on "The Good Wife" (9 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

-- Bree is at the end of her rope on "Desperate Housewives" (9 p.m., ABC, TV-14).

-- Florida guys hunt giant reptiles in the latest backwoods docu-comedy "Gator Boys" (9 p.m., Animal Planet, TV-PG).

-- A killer dispatches a genius in an inventive fashion on "CSI: Miami" (10 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

-- Maggie falls for a congressman on "Pan Am" (10 p.m., ABC, TV-14).

-- "Absolutely Fabulous" (10 p.m., BBC America and Logo, TV-14) returns to commemorate the show's 20th anniversary.

-- Standup comedy on "Tom Papa: Live From New York City" (10 p.m., Comedy Central).

CULT CHOICE

An Australian eccentric (Geoffrey Rush) helps a reluctant king (Colin Firth) get over his stutter in the 2010 Best Picture Oscar-winner "The King's Speech" (7 p.m. Sunday, Showtime). Offered as a lead-in to Showtime's series premieres, this provides a perfect period warm-up for "Downton Abbey" fans.

SATURDAY SERIES

On two helpings of "Rules of Engagement" (CBS, r, TV-14): quitting time (8 p.m.), jealousy (8:30 p.m.) ... On back-to-back episodes of "Cops" (Fox, TV-14): unwelcome at Wal-Mart (8 p.m.), a marital spat (8:30 p.m., r) ... More wintertime "Wipeout" (8 p.m., ABC, r, TV-PG).

A building under surveillance explodes on "The Mentalist" (9 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... War looms on "Terra Nova" (9 p.m., Fox, r, TV-14).

SUNDAY SERIES

Junior dates a looker on "The Cleveland Show" (8:30 p.m., Fox, TV-14) ... May-December love on "Family Guy" (9 p.m., Fox, TV-14) ... Steve works out on "American Dad" (9:30 p.m., Fox, TV-PG).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

IFC DOUBLES DOWN ON SILLY

2012-01-06T04:29:00.000-08:00

Now in its second season, "Portlandia" (10 p.m., IFC, TV-14) has become the "30 Rock" of cable. And that's good or bad, depending on how you look at it. Like "30 Rock," "Portlandia" stars an "SNL" regular and is produced by Lorne Michaels. It also gets more "buzz" than ratings. And its cult appeal attracts a large number of famous guest stars.

Both shows place a high premium on silly gags that rely on arcane pop culture references. And at their best, both series are remarkably smart, funny and refreshingly free of the anger that permeates so much stand-up-driven comedy.

Co-creators Fred Armisen ("SNL") and Carrie Brownstein began as musicians (Brownstein is currently a member of Wild Flag) and still approach entertainment as improvisation, acting as a merry band of pranksters who goof on the foibles of the terminally hip. They star in every short sketch, in a peculiar array of odd types who are variations on each performer's persona. It's rarely clear if the characters are romantically linked, related or just pals. And that adds to the contemptuously casual "Portlandia" vibe.

Among the favorites returning from last season are perky crafters who think everything can be improved if you just "put a bird on it," and Toni and Candace, the humorless owners of the feminist bookstore whose vehement insistence on tolerance does not extend beyond themselves.

Season two introduces some new, instantly memorable couples, including Doug and Claire, two people addicted to "Battlestar Galactica" in the very worst way. There's also at least three generations of helicopter parents as well as Spyke and Iris, self-described "punks" who decide to tie the knot after nine years together, but not before torturing a cheerful wedding planner. Tonight, look for "SNL" regular Andy Samberg as a bartender "mixologist" who lures Fred and Carrie to Los Angeles.

-- Equally silly, if more conventionally plotted, "The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret" (10:30 p.m., IFC, TV-14) also returns for a second season. David Cross stars as the delusional title character, in way over his head as the president of a soft drink company's London division. Todd combines an ignorance of general knowledge (he thinks the Houses of Parliament are an apartment complex) with a lack of perspective (he believes he can pass himself off as British) and a penchant for serial lying that land him in one ridiculous situation after another.

Like "Portlandia," "Todd Margaret" attracts a wealth of guest stars, including Jon Hamm ("Mad Men"), Cross' fiancee, Amber Tamblyn ("House"), and her dad, Russ Tamblyn ("West Side Story").

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- Michael becomes a patient on "A Gifted Man" (8 p.m., CBS, TV-PG).

-- A wee Irish trickster infiltrates the hip-hop scene in the 2000 sequel "Leprechaun in the Hood" (8 p.m., BET, TV-14), starring Ice-T and Coolio.

-- Scheduled on "Need to Know" (8:30 p.m., PBS): Unemployment figures and the New Hampshire primary.

-- Chuck and Sarah strategize on "Chuck" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-PG).

-- Arkansas and Kansas State meet in the Cotton Bowl (8 p.m., Fox).

-- Cage fighting can be murder on "CSI: NY" (9 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

-- A mysterious fire forges connections on "Grimm" (9 p.m., NBC, r, TV-14).

-- A vital rig gets stuck in the river on "Gold Rush" (9 p.m., Discovery, TV-PG).

-- Erin feels responsible for an informant's death on "Blue Bloods" (10 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

-- Scheduled on "Dateline" (10 p.m., NBC): Three years after a mother's death, police in a small town find evidence pointing to murder.

CULT CHOICE

TCM celebrates teen heartthrobs of the Jimmy Carter era with the 1980 summer camp romance "Little Darlings" (2 a.m.), showcasing Tatum O'Neal, Kristy McNichol and Matt Dillon. The 1978 skating romance "Ice Castles" (3:45 a.m.) follows, with Robby Benson and Lynn-Holly Johnson.

SERIES NOTES

Helping the Gibbs family on "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" (8 p.m. and 9 p.m., ABC, TV-PG) ... Alex confronts her past on "Nikita" (8 p.m., CW, TV-14) ... Dean sets his sights on Dick Roman on "Supernatural" (9 p.m., CW, TV-14).

LATE NIGHT

Kristen Bell and Blind Pilot appear on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS) ... Jay Leno welcomes Glenn Close, Trevor Noah and Van Hunt on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC).

Don Cheadle, David Cross and Boyz II Men appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC).

David Duchovny and Wild Flag chat on "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" (12:35 a.m., NBC) ... Craig Ferguson hosts Michael Clark Duncan and Laura Prepon on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

** ** **

IS 'STUFFERS' TOO DARK (AND FUNNY) FOR ANIMAL PLANET?

2012-01-05T04:09:00.000-08:00

-- "American Stuffers" (10 p.m., Animal Planet) follows the formula of many recent series. It's set in rural America, Romance, Ark., to be exact. Several characters describe themselves as "rednecks" with unabashed pride. It follows one man's exotic trade and features workplace shenanigans and lighthearted marital tiffs.

Daniel Ross is both the boss and owner of Xtreme Taxidermy and the sole voice of sanity. If you can consider the foremost practitioner of pet taxidermy to be entirely sane.

Daniel has a loving schoolteacher wife, a few cute, indifferent sons and a shop full of characters. I'm particularly intrigued by Fred, a silent, self-trained fellow who just "drifted" into the shop and the trade. Seriously, Daniel has to remind Fred to wear a shirt while skinning dead animals.

But the real stars of the show are the very odd clients, like a grizzled biker who arrives to pick up the stuffed version of his dead dog, Turd. He repeatedly tells us that Turd was like a child. Only I'm pretty sure that if you name your child Turd, you get a call from Social Services. Even in Romance, Ark.

Other morbid moments concern a giant tattooed guy and his petite wife who drop off their deceased Chihuahua, Toot Toot, for the Xtreme treatment. For all of the grotesque shots of the taxidermy process, these scenes of dead little pets and their limp, inert bodies are the most jarring and heart-wrenching.

Toot Toot's owners insist that his crossed eyes and lazy tongue be immortalized just so. And that's no small matter when you are faced with the task of disemboweling a tiny dog, then gouging out its eyes and restuffing, sewing, baking, freeze-drying and posing it to resemble the Toot Toot of yore.

Many of those grim procedures fall to Dixie, the new college intern, who barely stifles her gag reflexes before settling into the workplace routine. What people will do to get on television!

Clearly inspired by Errol Morris' 1978 classic pet cemetery documentary "Gates of Heaven," this series puts great emphasis on humans and the way they stumble toward profundity when confronted with eternity in the guise of a dead pet. One mourner-turned-art appreciator invokes Maya Angelou during a particularly emotional ramble. Fans of Flannery O'Connor's short stories should not miss this.

For all of its hifalutin' appeal, I fear "Stuffers" may be the most controversial and hated series in the network's history. And should "Stuffers" alienate Animal Planet's core audience of critter lovers, I fully expect this show to be deader than Toot Toot after a short, but memorable, run.

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- Competitive eating can be murder on "Bones" (8 p.m., Fox, r, TV-14).

-- Filmmakers and performers extol the work of a master cinematographer in the 2010 documentary "Cameraman: The Life and Work of Jack Cardiff" (8 p.m., TCM).

-- A schoolteacher faces dangers on "Person of Interest" (9 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

-- On two episodes of "The Office" (NBC, r, TV-14): Dwight's doomsday device (9 p.m.), Maura Tierney guest-stars (10 p.m.).

-- A survivor's grim decision on "Grey's Anatomy" (9 p.m., ABC, TV-14).

-- Old favorites compete on "Project Runway All Stars" (9 p.m., Lifetime, TV-PG).

-- Patrick must prove his innocence from behind bars on "The Mentalist" (10 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

-- Mason is caught in the act on "Private Practice" (10 p.m., ABC, TV-14).

CULT CHOICE

The late Jill Clayburgh stars in the 1994 made-for-television crime drama "Honor Thy Father and Mother: The Menendez Killings" (8 p.m., Lifetime Movie Network).

SERIES NOTES

Amy and Leonard bond on "The Big Bang Theory" (8 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... Football fans on "Community" (8 p.m., NBC, r, TV-14) ... An icy "Wipeout" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-PG) ... Klaus makes a point on "The Vampire Diaries" (8 p.m., CW, TV-14) ... Liz and Russell bicker on "Rules of Engagement" (8:30 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... Leslie testifies on "Parks and Recreation" (8:30 p.m., NBC, r, TV-14).

Cassie spills on "The Secret Circle" (9 p.m., CW, TV-PG) ... Dog adoption on Whitney" (9:30 p.m., NBC, r, TV-14) ... A baby cramps a couple's style on "Up All Night" (10:30 p.m., NBC, r, TV-14).

LATE NIGHT

Chris Paul and Tom Papa chat on "Conan" (11 p.m., TBS) ... Steve Case appears on "The Colbert Report" (11:30 p.m., Comedy Central).

Tina Fey and the Barr Brothers are booked on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS) ... Tracy Morgan and tUnE-yArDs appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC).

Expect Fred Armisen on "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" (12:35 a.m., NBC) ... Craig Ferguson hosts Tom Selleck and Daniela Ruah on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

Celebrities try to fake out fans

2012-01-04T05:38:00.001-08:00

-- Television has become a losing battle between the fake and the real. What's the use of concocting a scripted comedy and drama when folks would just as soon watch "Swamp Loggers"? Our ten year reality TV binge has robbed so many would-be actors of their chance to become famous that our few remaining celebrities have banded together to retaliate by pretending to be "real" people.

The result is the odd hybrid "I Get That A Lot" (8 p.m., CBS, TV-14) a "Candid-Camera" style series in which well-known folks slum as regular wage earners. When a normal person comes up to a celebrated face (and body) pretending to toil behind the counter at a Victoria's Secret lingerie shop, she inquires, "Aren't you Pamela Anderson?" At this point, the star of "Barb Wire" denies her own identity, much to the stranger's confusion and consternation.

If you find this hilarious, stick around to watch Pauley Perrette ("NCIS") try her hand at dog grooming; talk show host Jerry Springer work at a deli; Olympian Apolo Ohno bag groceries at an upscale, overpriced supermarket; Ty Pennington ("Extreme Makeover) sell hardware and Dr. Drew Pinsky peddle glasses at a chain outlet.

For all of their new vocations, the hardest acting "job" performed here is straddling the line between identifying with working stiffs and condescending to ordinary folk.

-- History has taught us that easiest way to get cast on a reality show is to have already been cast on a reality show. I call that the "Boston Rob" rule, or the "Carson Kressley" protocol. Short of that, be related to somebody who already has their own reality show. Bobby Deen hosts "Not My Mama's Meals" (9 p.m., EST, Cooking), presenting lean and healthy versions of recipes made famous by his famous mother Paula Deen. Tonight, in the spirit of New Years and resolutions, he transforms her Krispy Kreme Bread Pudding into something called Fresh Fruit Bread Pudding.

Of course being closely identified with a famous brand name mother can lead to psychological problems, not to mention reality TV casting opportunities. Perhaps Bobby Deen should conspire with Martha Stewart's ungrateful daughter.

-- The brand new true crime series "Fatal Encounters" (10 p.m., ID) premieres with a grisly tale weirder than anything on "American Horror Story": a baby-obsessed stalker out to rob an expectant mother of her unborn child.

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- Back to school on "Glee" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-PG).

-- A buy-American law runs amok on "Harry's Law" (9 p.m., NBC, r, TV-14).

-- Howie Mandel hosts "Mobbed" (9 p.m., Fox, TV-PG).

-- Phil frets about a medical test on "Modern Family" (9 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

-- Decomposition at an art gallery raises a stink on “CSI” (10 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

-- A boy from an outcast community vanishes on "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" (10 p.m., NBC, TV-14).

-- The worst kind of party crasher on "Revenge” (10 p.m., ABC, TV-14).

-- A blessed event looms on the season premiere of "Dog the Bounty Hunter" (10 p.m., A&E, TV-PG).

-- The gang on "Hot in Cleveland" (10 p.m., TV Land, TV-PG) look back.

-- "True Life" (10 p.m., MTV) explores the pressures faced by high school wrestlers.

CULT CHOICE

Gassed at Kent state, four friends experience the long strange trip of a fractured decade in the 2000 NBC miniseries "The '70s" (8 p.m., Ovation). Terrible, as these things go, it seems like a lame excuse to sell a rather safe soundtrack.

SERIES NOTES

Over scheduled on "Up All Night" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-14) ... Resolutions are assigned on "The Middle" (8 p.m., ABC, r, TV-PG) ... On two episodes of "The Secret Circle" (CW, r, TV-14) in search of Jane (8 p.m.), Cassie plumbs her roots (9 p.m.) ... Always the bridesmaid on "Whitney" (8:30 p.m., NBC, r, TV-14) ... Tessa becomes a suburban Cyrano on "Suburgatory" (8:30 p.m., ABC, TV-14).

A parole case haunts Morgan on “Criminal Minds” (9 p.m., CBS, TV-14) ... Dave's therapist needs boundaries on "Happy Endings" (9:30 p.m., ABC, TV-14).

LATE NIGHT

Emmy Rossum, Dave Attell and Chris Isaak appear on "Conan" (11 p.m., TBS) ... John Heilemann sits down on "The Colbert Report" (11:30 p.m., Comedy Central).

Brian Williams and WU LYF are booked on "Late Show with David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS) ... Octavia Spencer and Lloyd appear on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (Midnight, ABC).

Ed Burns, Alexa Chung and Geoffrey Zakarian visit "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" (12:35 a.m., NBC).

THREE DAYS INTO THE YEAR, WE MAY HAVE HIT BOTTOM!

2012-01-03T04:01:00.000-08:00

-- How bad is ABC's new comedy "Work It" (8:30 p.m., TV-PG)? Let's just say I can probably wrap up my end-of-the-year "Worst New Show of 2012" column right now.

"Work It" continues a weird trend for ABC, a variation explored on the dreadful "Last Man Standing" and the quickly canceled "Man Up!" -- a theme of male insecurity.

"Work It" stars Ben Koldyke as Lee, a brash car salesman who, like his friend, Angel (Amaury Nolasco), has been out of work for a year, since Pontiac shut down. At least they say they're down on their luck. You'd never know it from the spanking-new kitchen Lee shares with his wife, or the ham-fisted, hardy-har-har punch lines he tosses around like anvils.

Desperate for a job and faced with mounting medical bills, Lee does something audacious and dresses as a woman to land a sales job. Yes, we've crossed over into cross-dressing comedy, a long and proud tradition that includes "Some Like It Hot" and "Tootsie," considered by many to be two of the best big-screen comedies of all time. It's also the premise for "Bosom Buddies," hardly a distinguished television comedy, but one that launched the career of Tom Hanks, no slouch in the acting department.

As Hanks, Dustin Hoffman, Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis demonstrated, the job of a man passing as a woman and doing it convincingly enough to make us laugh is very difficult. To quote the Wicked Witch of the West, "These things must be done delicately." If not performed with finesse, drag can be obvious, stupid and crude, as it is here.

There isn't a moment of subtlety on "Work It." Lee and (eventually) Angel pass themselves off as women by putting on big ugly dresses and wigs. To make matters worse, the other female characters seem to fall for their act. After chatting with one deluded fellow job seeker, Lee purrs, "Thanks for the tampon." Yes, folks, we're talking real wit here.

The makers of "Work It" seem so insecure about the drag aspects of the show that they double down on the guys' crude dudeness when they're back in macho mode. After Lee's wife declines to go to the bar with him and his buddies, he snorts, "No problem. I'll just wake you up for sex later."

Of course, we know he'll outgrow such boorishness after seeing how the other half lives. But I have a strong suspicion that "Work It" won't be around long enough for Lee to have his learning curve.

-- "The Biggest Loser" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-PG) enters its 13th season. I'm reminded of the line in "Blade Runner" from Rutger Hauer's replicant: "Time to die."

-- TV-themed DVDs available today include the third season of "Justified."

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- Sue's scandal sheet on "Glee" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-14, r).

-- Angelo intrudes on "Switched at Birth" (8 p.m., ABC Family, TV-14).

-- "America's Election HQ" (8 p.m., Fox News) sifts the tea leaves from the Iowa caucuses.

-- Mixed signals from Nick on "New Girl" (9 p.m., Fox, r, TV-14).

-- Freak-casting alert: Gary Busey and Ted Haggard (and the women who love them) appear on "Celebrity Wife Swap" (9 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

-- "Jane by Design" (9 p.m., ABC Family) sets yet another melodrama in the world of high-powered fashion design.

-- Secret beliefs revealed on "Taboo" (9 p.m., National Geographic).

-- A test of wills on "Raising Hope" (9:30 p.m., Fox, r, TV-PG).

-- Murder at a construction site on "Unforgettable" (10 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

-- On the road on "Parenthood" (10 p.m., NBC, TV-PG).

-- A bride does not survive to say, "I do," on "Body of Proof" (10 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

-- "Frontline" (10 p.m., PBS, check local listings) looks at women forced into marriage by Afghan drug lords.

CULT CHOICE

A game show contestant's tortured flashbacks unfold in the 2008 Best Picture Oscar-winner "Slumdog Millionaire" (8 p.m., Fox Movie Channel).

SERIES NOTES

Housekeeping on "NCIS" (8 p.m., CBS, TV-14) ... Hooking the big one on "Last Man Standing" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-PG) ... On two helpings of "The Secret Circle" (CW, r, TV-PG): an ex resurfaces (8 p.m.), Halloween (9 p.m.) ... Undercover on "NCIS: Los Angeles" (9 p.m., CBS, TV-PG).

LATE NIGHT

Gary Oldman, Mindy Kaling and Everlast appear on "Conan" (11 p.m., TBS) ... Sen. Bernie Sanders, I-Vt., sits down on "The Colbert Report" (11:30 p.m., Comedy Central).

Will Arnett, Lisa Lampanelli and Guided By Voices are on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS).

William H. Macy, Sean Avery and Black Star are on "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" (12:35 a.m., NBC) ... Craig Ferguson hosts RZA and Melissa Rauch on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

NEW YEAR COMMENCES WITH SOME TIRED FORMULAS

2012-01-02T05:10:00.000-08:00

-- At a time of year known for new ventures, too many television offerings have a familiar feel. Bravo goes out on a conceptual limb with "It's a Brad, Brad World" (10 p.m., TV-14). A show about a stylist! On Bravo! What's next?

To be brutally frank, it's about a glorified servant, Brad Goreski, who thinks he's fabulous because he gets to shop for people whose names he can drop. In reality, he is basically a pre-enchanted Cinderella, slaving away for a series of evil stepsisters. Just don't tell him. He thinks he's "arrived."

-- "The Bachelor" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-14) returns with a former Bachelor. Yes, Ben is back. Technically, he was on "The Bachelorette," but who really cares?

Look for limos, tears and the mutilation of many a rosebush before this comes to its utterly forgettable conclusion. Seriously, if you're still watching "The Bachelor" after 16 seasons, you need to get a life. If your friends are still watching, you need smarter friends.

I'm not just being cranky here. If enough people stop watching "The Bachelor," ABC will have to come up with some real programming. That means actors, writers and production crews will get hired, hopefully at union wages. So blowing up "The Bachelor" is actually good for the economy! I feel like a one-man stimulus program. And to be honest, I wouldn't mind more decent dramas and comedies to review.

-- It's not enough to be a freak anymore. You have to be a celebrity freak. There was a time when shows like "Hoarders" showcased (and exploited) the marginally sane who couldn't throw anything away. Now the competition is tougher. You have to be both semi-famous and a little touched in the head. As evidence, I present tonight's "Extreme Clutter" (10 p.m., OWN, TV-PG), featuring Mackenzie Phillips. A poster child for dysfunctions too grim to catalog here, she blames her life of drugs and emotional abuse for her untidiness.

The boldfaced-name scourge continues on tonight's preview episode of "Celebrity Wife Swap" (10 p.m., ABC, TV-PG). Tonight's swappers include Tracey Gold, an actress known for her anorexia, and Carnie Wilson, famous for her struggles with avoirdupois. Wilson is also infamous for her addiction to appearing on really bad reality shows ("Carnie Wilson: Unstapled"), but I digress.

Like Mackenzie Phillips, Wilson is the daughter of a troubled rock star, so perhaps we're entering a phase of reality TV where it's not enough to be merely semi-famous. You have to be a second-generation quasi-celebrity! That's hardly surprising, given the well-reported exploits of Kiefer Sutherland, Robert Downey Jr. and that prince of self-destruction, Charlie Sheen.

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- Versus is so 2011. That network emerges rechristened as NBC Sports with "Cold War on Ice: Summit Series '72" (4:30 p.m.).

-- Not even prison can prevent House from diagnosing (and annoying) his colleagues on "House" (8 p.m., Fox, r, TV-14).

-- "Antiques Roadshow" (8 p.m., PBS, check local listings) explores treasures in Tulsa, Okla.

-- The four girls rebound a month after their arrest on "Pretty Little Liars" (8 p.m., ABC Family, TV-14).

-- Coupons and cupcakes abound on "2 Broke Girls" (8:30 p.m., CBS, TV-14). Somebody's been watching TLC.

-- "The Layover" (9 p.m., Travel, TV-PG) explores places to visit during a short stay in Amsterdam.

-- The twins turn 17 on "The Lying Game" (9 p.m., ABC Family, TV-PG).

-- A teen's slaying appears to have been a professional hit on "Hawaii Five-O" (10 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

-- Scheduled on "Rock Center With Brian Williams" (10 p.m., NBC): farmland prices; lobster diving.

-- Fans of "The Closer" (10 p.m., r, TNT, TV-14) will have to wait until summer for new episodes and the series finale.

CULT CHOICE

Kyle MacLachlan, Sting and Brad Dourif star in the 1984 adaptation of Frank Herbert's cult novel "Dune" (8 p.m., Ovation), directed by David Lynch. Lynch would cast MacLachlan and Dourif in his next film, "Blue Velvet."

SERIES NOTES

Marshall visits his dad's grave on "How I Met Your Mother" (8 p.m., CBS, TV-14) ... Greed and gravity on "Who's Still Standing?" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-PG) ... On two helpings of "The Secret Circle" (CW, r, TV-14): Mom's old friend (8 p.m.), divided loyalties (9 p.m.).

Mimi Rogers guest-stars as Walden's mother on "Two and a Half Men" (9 p.m., CBS, TV-14) ... "Fear Factor" (9 p.m., NBC, TV-PG) ... Holly Robinson Peete guest-stars on "Mike and Molly" (9:30 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

LATE NIGHT

A best-of-the-year spectacular is scheduled on "Conan" (11 p.m., TBS).

Robert Downey Jr. and Rooney Mara are booked on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS, r) ... Jay Leno welcomes Charles Barkley, Berenice Bejo and Amber Riley on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC, r) ... Jane Fonda, Russell Brand, Lukas Nelson and Promise of the Real appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC, r).

Tina Fey, Tom Welling and Twin Shadow visit "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" (12:35 a.m., NBC, r) ... Craig Ferguson hosts Tim Meadows, Eliza Doolittle and Myq Kaplan on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

** ** **

Dick Clark look backwards and forwards

2011-12-31T06:01:00.000-08:00

-- Folks who just can't imagine welcoming the New Year without Dick Clark probably don't remember when Clark's production was a challenge to an established holiday institution. Before the big night started "rockin," it was all but synonymous with Guy Lombardo, a big band leader popular with those whose tastes were shaped in the 1930s and 40s. His reedy rendition of "Auld Lang Syne" still defines the occasion's boozy blend of anticipation and bittersweet nostalgia.

We're now as far away in time from the first "Rockin' Eve" as it was from those big band days, a point explored on "New Year's Rockin' Eve: The 40th Anniversary Party" (8 p.m., Saturday, ABC). The first "Rockin' Eve" was headlined by early '70s hit-makers 3 Dog Night. For those in search of pop and rock stars of a more recent vintage, catch Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga on "Dick Clark's Primetime New Year's Rockin' Eve with Ryan Seacrest 2012" (10 p.m.).

Like many things on the Peacock Network, "NBC's New Year's Eve with Carson Daly" (10 p.m., NBC), offers a great deal of cross-network promotion. Look for Blake Shelton and Cee Lo Green of "The Voice" to perform. And expect an appearance by Jimmy Fallon and his house band the Roots as well as British pop star Jessie J and the ageless Tony Bennett.

Fox offers "American Country New Year's Eve Live" (11 p.m., EST, Fox) featuring performances by Joe Nichols, Eli Young Band and Toby Keith as well as coverage of the Ball Dropping from Times Square in New York. Rick Harrison and Austin Russell ("Pawn Stars") co-host with Rodney Carrington from Las Vegas.

"NYE in NYC 2012" (11 p.m., MTV) allows MTV to follow the crowds and promote the new season of "Punk'd."

-- Like many of its stories, this year's Syfy "Twilight Zone" (9 a.m., Saturday through Midnight Sunday, Syfy) marathon comes with a twist. All 40 episodes were selected by viewers on the network's website.

-- HBO rings in the new year with "Angry Boys" (10 p.m., HBO, TV-MA) a new mock-documentary from Australia starring Chris Lilley as characters old and young, male and female. He plays Nathan and Daniel Sims, identical twins in a dusty rural town who curse and swear at each other almost all of the time. One is nearly deaf and the other is brutally insensitive to his condition. Lilley also plays "Gran," a spunky 65-year-old guard at a juvenile detention facility where she dispenses tough love. Look for him as an American rapper, a Japanese wife and her skateboarding son Tim as well as an aging Australian surfer.

Like many fake documentaries/acting showcases, "Angry" accentuates audacity and versatility and just plain weird silliness. It's a little like being forced to watch a show-off at an improv group's workshop. It's impressive, but not necessarily entertaining.

There are plenty of other shows like this on other networks, forcing one to ask, "What's this doing on HBO?" Or worse, "Why am I paying extra for HBO for for the kind of quickie import I've already seen on IFC and BBC America? This is not the way HBO should be responding when Showtime ("Homeland"), AMC ("The Killing") and FX ("American Horror Story") are getting better all the time.

-- BBC America welcomes 2012 with a marathon of "Absolutely Fabulous" 7:20 a.m., Sunday through 6 a.m., Monday, BBC America, TV-14). This anticipates a 20th anniversary "Fabulous" special airing on January 8 on both Logo and BBC America.

-- Excess and indulgence of another sort unfold on "Drugs, Inc." (8 p.m., Sunday, National Geographic), a weekly look at America's illegal narcotics underground.

-- Not content with showcasing real critters, Animal Planet goes on a ten episode snipe hunt with "Finding Bigfoot" (10 p.m., Sunday, Animal Planet).

SATURDAY'S HIGHLIGHTS

-- Enjoy 24 hours of "Top Gear Top 40" (6 a.m., BBC America).

-- Wrap up 2011 with a "Weed Wars" (4 p.m., Discovery), followed by ten straight hours of "Moonshiners" (6 p.m. to 3 a.m., Sunday, Discovery).

-- Virginia and Auburn meet in the Chick-fil-A Bowl (7:30 p.m., ESPN). Wake me up when they schedule the 99 Cent Store Bowl.

-- The hunt for the mole continues on the two hour season ender of "Terra Nova" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-14).

-- Matt Damon stars in the 2007 thriller "The Bourne Ultimatum" (8:30 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

-- Comedy Central invites viewers to ring out the year with three hours and six episodes of "South Park" (9 p.m., Comedy Central, TV-MA).

SUNDAY'S HIGHLIGHTS

Discovery invites viewers to spend the day with 16 hours of "Gold Rush" (11 a.m., Discovery, TV-PG).

-- Scheduled on "60 Minutes" (7 p.m., CBS): An SAT cheater confesses; House Majority Leader Eric Cantor; Alex Honnold, a "freestyle" mountain climber.

-- The Giants host the Cowboys on "Sunday Night Football" (8 p.m., NBC).

-- On three episodes of "Once Upon a Time" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-PG), the price of gold (8 p.m.), a big decision (9 p.m.), memories return (10 p.m.).

-- An illegal nanny faces scrutiny on “The Good Wife” (9 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

-- Julie Andrews hosts a New Years celebration from Vienna on "Great Performances" (9 p.m., PBS, check local listings).

-- Brand-named chefs compete on "Rachael vs. Guy Celebrity Cook-Off" (9 p.m., Food).

-- Vengeance consumes Cullen and Elam on "Hell on Wheels" (10 p.m., AMC, TV-MA). This series has been renewed for a second season.

-- The tenth anniversary of 9/11 brings a time for reflection in Dearborn on "All-American Muslim" (10 p.m., TLC).

CULT CHOICE

A short, unpleasant Minneapolis musician pouts and speaks cryptically in the 1984 rock fantasy "Purple Rain" (8 p.m., Sunday, VH1 Classic) starring Prince.

SATURDAY SERIES

Marshall lacks mirth on “How I Met Your Mother” (8 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... On two episodes of "Grimm" (NBC, r, TV-14), Social networking can be murder (8 p.m.), high school madness (9 p.m.).

SUNDAY SERIES

Kiefer Sutherland guest stars on “The Simpsons” (8 p.m., Fox, r, TV-PG,D,L) ... Junior. disappoints on "The Cleveland Show" (8:30 p.m., Fox, r, TV-14) ... Peter needs a kidney on “Family Guy” (9 p.m., Fox, TV-14,D,S) ... Lost at the monkey house on "American Dad" (9:30 p.m., Fox, TV-14) ... The hunt for an escaped killer on “CSI: Miami” (10 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14,V).

THOSE WE LOST: AN APPRECIATION

2011-12-30T04:45:00.000-08:00

-- As 2011 comes to a close, let's remember those figures from television history who left us during 2011. Some were far too young. Others lived into their 10th decade. Some were household names, like Harry Morgan ("Dragnet," "M-A-S-H"), Andy Rooney ("60 Minutes") and Peter Falk ("Columbo").

The very definition of a big Hollywood star, Elizabeth Taylor appeared often on television, most notably on "The Simpsons," where she was the only actress to provide the voice of Maggie.

Others may not register at first, but made an indelible impression nonetheless. Few heard of actor Len Lesser before he played Jerry's odd Uncle Leo on "Seinfeld." Character actress Frances Bay also appeared on "Seinfeld" as the old lady Jerry mugs in order to steal a loaf of marble rye.

Jackie Cooper began as a star in early talking pictures and "Our Gang" shorts before becoming a television star in the 1950s on "The People's Choice." Long before the workout craze of the 1980s, Jack LaLanne promoted physical fitness on television. James Arness starred on "Gunsmoke" as Matt Dillon for 20 years. Alan Sues brought a camp element to "Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In" that contrasted brilliantly with that series' swinger sensibility.

If you've enjoyed an Oscar telecast over the years, thank Gil Cates, who produced 14 of them. If you watched a rock performance in the pre-MTV era, you probably saw it on "Don Kirshner's Rock Concert," produced by Kirshner. Producer Sherwood Schwartz not only created the hit series "Gilligan's Island" and "The Brady Bunch," he also co-wrote their catchy theme songs. Madelyn Pugh Davis wrote many of the scripts that made Americans love "I Love Lucy." Director Sidney Lumet cut his teeth during television's golden age of dramas. Producer Bert Schneider went from "The Monkees" to become a Hollywood producer and a force behind "Easy Rider," "Five Easy Pieces," "The Last Picture Show" and other films that defined this era as one of Hollywood's most creative.

Character actor Charles Napier spent a long career playing heavies, but he's still well remembered for a "Star Trek" walk-on as a guitar-strumming hippie. After only one season on the recent Starz period action series "Spartacus: Blood and Sand," Andy Whitfield was stricken with cancer and died this year at age 39. We also remember wrestler Randy Savage, "Taxi" star Jeff Conaway, "Honey West" star Anne Francis and John Dye, well known for his role on "Touched by an Angel" as Andrew, the angel of death. Let's thank them all for their contributions to the medium we can't live without.

-- TV's love affair with pack rats and just plain rats continues on Animal Planet. A new season of "Infested" (9 p.m., TV-PG) kicks off tonight. For the uninitiated, this series follows families as they try to rid their homes of rats, bugs, snakes and other squirm-inducing invaders. An episode of "Confessions: Animal Hoarding" (10 p.m., TV-14) follows.

-- Tilda Swinton stars in the 2005 adaptation of C.S. Lewis' allegorical novel "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- Marathon helping of "American Pickers" (8 a.m. to 3 a.m. Saturday, History, r, TV-PG).

-- Sarah's former mentor returns on "Chuck" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-PG).

-- A new start for a steakhouse on "Kitchen Nightmares" (8 p.m., Fox, r, TV-14).

-- Ray Suarez hosts a "Need to Know" (8:30 p.m., PBS, check local listings) look at the upcoming Jan. 3 Iowa Caucuses.

-- An accident reveals a family's fabled legacy on "Grimm" (9 p.m., NBC, r, TV-14).

-- Walter's creepy past resurfaces on "Fringe" (9 p.m., Fox, r, TV-14).

-- The cast glances back on their adventures up North on "Gold Rush" (9 p.m., Discovery, TV-PG).

-- A murder casts light on a mob dynasty's dysfunction on "Blue Bloods" (10 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

-- Scheduled on "Dateline" (10 p.m., NBC): A love triangle ends in murder.

CULT CHOICE

Kirk Cameron ("Growing Pains") stars in the audacious 2000 B-movie adaptation of "Left Behind" (10 p.m., TBN), a best-selling book series promoting controversial elements of end times theology via a far-fetched thriller plot.

SERIES NOTES

A patient hears voices on "A Gifted Man" (8 p.m., CBS, r, TV-PG) ... On two helpings of "The Secret Circle" (CW, r, TV-14): Cassie swears off the craft (8 p.m.), jealousy consumes Adam (9 p.m.) ... A man dressed as a clown opens fire at a bakery on "CSI: NY" (9 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

LATE NIGHT

Tom Hanks and My Morning Jacket appear on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS, r) ... Jay Leno welcomes Charlize Theron, Kevin Hart and Foster the People on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC, r).

Kathy Griffin, Jamie Bell and Young Jeezy appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC, r).

Robert De Niro, Bradley Cooper, Pauley Perrette and Marcel Vigneron visit "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" (12:35 a.m., NBC, r) ... Craig Ferguson hosts Alan Alda and Ariel Tweto on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS, r).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

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VERN YIP HOSTS HGTV'S BIG CITY GIVEAWAY

2011-12-29T03:51:00.001-08:00

-- Vern Yip hosts "HGTV Urban Oasis Giveaway 2011" (8 p.m., TV-G). As the title implies, a lucky winner will be given the keys to a luxury Chicago high-rise condominium valued at $750,000. Look for product placements galore. This is not to be confused with HGTV's "Dream Home Giveaway" or its "Green Home Giveaway."

In addition to hosting duties, Yip designed the one-bedroom apartment resplendent with a gourmet kitchen and great views of Chicago's skyline, the Chicago River and Lake Michigan.

Yip also serves as a judge on HGTV's "Design Star" and has shown up on a number of the network's other offerings. It's funny how networks recycle their stars over and over to give a familiarity to a cable destination. In the old days, local TV channels did much the same thing. A familiar host could do double and triple duty, showing cartoons in the morning, hosting a kids' show in the after-school hours and perhaps introducing movies later that night. Krusty the Clown on "The Simpsons" is an homage to that television tradition, a reference that may be lost on some of "The Simpsons" younger fans.

-- "NY Ink" (9 p.m., TLC, TV-14) enters its second season. For the uninitiated, it follows Ami James, the self-described tattoo king of New York City. He used to work in warmer climes on "Miami Ink" before joining the gang at Manhattan's Wooster Street Social Club.

For the curious, we're promised a more personal look at Ami, including glimpses of his relationship with his daughter. But like most series of this nature, "Ink" generally revolves around the job, "office" shenanigans and Ami's rivalry with other ink men.

There was a time when the world of the tattooed seemed pretty exotic. But it's hard to stand out on a network like TLC, home to "Toddlers and Tiaras." Next year, look for TLC to outdo itself in the human weirdness department with "I Cloned My Pet," debuting on Jan. 11.

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- On two episodes of "Bones" (Fox, r, TV-14): a blizzard and a blackout (8 p.m.), death bowls a 300 (9 p.m.).

-- While his friends frolic, a picked-upon bald child agonizes over the everyday in the 1986 special "Happy New Year, Charlie Brown!" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-G).

-- Comedy Central offers six chances to catch up with "Futurama" (8 p.m. to 11 p.m., r, TV-14).

-- When the machine suggests a subject long dead, the guys question its reliability on "Person of Interest" (9 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

-- Dwight hosts a garden party on "The Office" (9 p.m., NBC, r, TV-14).

-- On two helpings of "Grey's Anatomy" (ABC, r, TV-14): George's mother (9 p.m.), Henry pinch-hits (10 p.m.).

-- Whitney finds her divorced folks (Peter Gallagher and Jane Kaczmarek) hard to deal with and impossible to avoid during the holidays on "Whitney" (9:30 p.m., NBC, r, TV-14).

-- A prospector's death sends the team digging for clues on "The Mentalist" (10 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

CULT CHOICE

Glenn Close and Harry Connick Jr. star in a 2001 made-for-television adaptation of Rogers and Hammerstein's socially conscious musical "South Pacific" (8 p.m., Ovation, TV-PG). Passable warbling does not compensate for zero chemistry between the leads.

SERIES NOTES

Leonard considers his options on "The Big Bang Theory" (8 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... Glee clubbed to death on "Community" (8 p.m., NBC, r, TV-PG) ... My Morning Jacket performs on "The Vampire Diaries" (8 p.m., CW, r, TV-14) ... Russell's mother cuts off his allowance on "Rules of Engagement" (8:30 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... A change in logos on "Parks and Recreation" (8:30 p.m., NBC, r, TV-PG).

A teen moves in with her grandmother and discovers her late mother's witchcraft on the pilot episode of "The Secret Circle" (9 p.m., CW, r, TV-14) ... Warehouse workers win the lottery on "The Office" (10 p.m., NBC, r, TV-PG) ... Reagan's parents (Blythe Danner and Richard Schiff) descend on "Up All Night" (10:30 p.m., NBC, r, TV-PG).

LATE NIGHT

Shaquille O'Neal, Brian Posehn and Seether appear on "Conan" (11 p.m., TBS, r) ... Matt Damon and Shelby Lynne are booked on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS, r) ... Jay Leno welcomes Louis C.K., Levi LaVallee and Young the Giant on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC, r) ... Jim Parsons, Taylor Kitsch and My Morning Jacket appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC, r). Craig Ferguson hosts Jim Parsons and Cake on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS, r).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

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LESS THAN BOWLED OVER BY THE SEASON

2011-12-28T04:30:00.001-08:00

-- It never fails to amaze me this time of year how the urge to "brand" everything takes the magic out of college bowl games. Or at least their names. Perhaps I'm admitting my age, but I recall when they were named for simple things, like sugar, oranges and roses. Even the most hard-bitten capitalist will have to admit there is a generic lack of charm to the Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl (8 p.m., ESPN). For the record, California and Texas tangle for the honors, live from San Diego.

Bleacherreport.com recently compiled a list of humbler, less marketing-driven bowls from the middle of the 20th century that included the Cigar Bowl, the Salad Bowl and the Refrigerator Bowl. The Cigar Bowl may not pass muster with today's health police, but it's a whole lot less of a mouthful than the GoDaddy.com Bowl.

-- With "X Factor" out of the way, Fox offers multiple chances to catch reruns of "Raising Hope" (8 p.m., 8:30 p.m.) and "New Girl" (9 p.m., 9:30 p.m.), two comedies bounced all over the schedule to make room for that talent show. And it seems that without "Factor" to play the wind beneath its ratings wings, the wretched comedy "I Hate My Teenage Daughter" has been yanked from the schedule. In a vague announcement, the network informed us it would return sometime in spring.

-- Cable's love affair with Cajun country shows little sign of cooling. The brackish waters of the Bayou run neck and neck with all things New Jersey for viewers' affections. The documentary series "True Life" (10 p.m., MTV) returns to familiar territory with "The Theriot Family: The Riot in the Bayou 2."

-- Another side of the Jersey Shore provides the setting for "According to Greta" (8 p.m., CW, TV-PG), a low-budget independent drama from 2009. Hilary Duff stars as a rebellious teen sent to spend time with her grandparents (Ellen Burstyn and Michael Murphy). Melissa Leo also stars as Greta's indifferent mother.

A gritty little film shot on a shoestring, this is a far cry from "Gossip Girl." For the record, much of "Greta" was filmed in Ocean Grove, N.J., once best known as a prim, religious summer colony located right next to the more honky-tonk Asbury Park, a faded boardwalk town long celebrated by Bruce Springsteen. Ocean Grove was also the setting for Woody Allen's surrealist comedy "Stardust Memories" (1980).

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- A former prosecutor faces justice on "Harry's Law" (9 p.m., NBC, r, TV-14).

-- Phil walks a fine line on "Modern Family" (9 p.m., ABC, r, TV-14).

-- A killing inspires too many confessions on "CSI" (10 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

-- A hotel maid makes a serious accusation against an Italian diplomat (Franco Nero) on "Law & Order: SVU" (10 p.m., NBC, r, TV-14).

-- A shocking video makes the Graysons suspect an inside job on "Revenge" (10 p.m., ABC, r, TV-14).

CULT CHOICE

CIA intrigue and Central American politics engulf the lives of a humble dentist and the father of his daughter's fiance in the 1979 comedy "The In-Laws" (10 p.m., TCM), starring Peter Falk and Alan Arkin.

SERIES NOTES

A homicide case begins to look like terror on "NCIS: Los Angeles" (8 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... Baby's first Christmas on "Up All Night" (8 p.m., NBC, r, TV-14) ... Halloween mortification on "The Middle" (8 p.m., ABC, r, TV-PG) ... Fighting words on "Whitney" (8:30 p.m., NBC, r, TV-14) ... An awkward holiday on "Suburgatory" (8:30 p.m., ABC, r, TV-14).

A shore thing on "Criminal Minds" (9 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... Creative visualization on "Happy Endings" (9:30 p.m., ABC, r, TV-14).

LATE NIGHT

Harrison Ford, Marisa Miller and Pitbull are scheduled on "Conan" (11 p.m., TBS, r) ... Justin Bieber, Brian Regan and FreeSol are booked on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS, r) ... Jay Leno welcomes Rep. Ron Paul, R-Texas, and Joe Rogan on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC, r) ... Matthew Morrison, Maggie Q and Yelawolf appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC, r) ... Craig Ferguson hosts Claire Danes and Betty White on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS, r).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

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KENNEDY CENTER HONORS FIVE

2011-12-27T06:47:00.001-08:00

-- An annual holiday week programming treat, the "Kennedy Center Honors" (9 p.m., CBS) is now in its 34th year. The event always celebrates talents from pop culture to high art, from the famous to those you may not have heard of until their big night.

Barbara Cook, a longtime star on Broadway who appeared in the musicals "Candide" and "The Music Man" in the 1950s, has gone on to become a well-known interpreter of the works of composer Stephen Sondheim. Jazz buffs are surely familiar with saxophonist Sonny Rollins. Cellist Yo-Yo Ma has straddled the worlds of classical music and popular culture, playing on many familiar film scores, including "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon." The final two recipients are more widely celebrated. Neil Diamond has been a central figure in pop music for nearly half a century, starting out as a composer -- most notably for the Monkees' "I'm a Believer" -- before becoming a recording star and concert favorite in his own right. Meryl Streep has appeared in too many movies to mention here; she has been nominated for 16 Oscars and has won two.

-- Sundance offers viewers another chance to catch the British drama "Appropriate Adult" (9 p.m.), starring Dominic West ("The Wire") as an accused serial killer and Emily Watson as his court-appointed adviser who gets a little too close to her charge.

-- "Frontline" (10 p.m., PBS, check local listings) repeats a great installment from 2007. "The Undertaking" is a meditation on the work of funeral homes by poet Thomas Lynch, who also happens to be a third-generation funeral director in a small city in Michigan. "Every year I bury a couple hundred of my townspeople. Another two or three dozen I take to the crematory to be burned." Those are the opening lines of this remarkable hour. And once you hear them, I guarantee you'll be hooked.

-- On the other end of the spectrum (or circle of life, if you will), WE presents "Texas Multi Mamas" (8 p.m., TV-PG), mothers from the Lone Star State who came home from the maternity ward with more than they bargained for. "Mamas" follows a support group for mothers of multiples, so look forward to friendly advice -- and plenty of judgment and meddling.

-- They've proven their skills. Now they're ready to compete. "Extreme Couponing All-Stars" (10 p.m., TLC) pits super-savers against each other in the battle of the bargain-savvy.

-- Who's the best supermarket bagger in America? The best blacksmith? Oyster shucker? The new series "Best in the Business" (8 p.m., Discovery) showcases battles between folks who think they're at the top of their professions.

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- Past contestants return on "The Biggest Loser: Where Are They Now?" (8 p.m., NBC, r, TV-PG).

-- Finn has a religious vision on "Glee" (8 p.m., Fox, r, TV-14).

-- A new boyfriend upends a girl's well-ordered life in the 2008 romance "Keith" (8 p.m., CW, TV-PG).

-- A wedding date on "New Girl" (9 p.m., Fox, r, TV-14).

-- Health insurance woes on "Raising Hope" (9:30 p.m., Fox, r, TV-14).

-- Surprises for Kristina and Julia on "Parenthood" (10 p.m., NBC, r, TV-PG).

-- Dead man walking on "Body of Proof" (10 p.m., ABC, r, TV-PG).

CULT CHOICE

Washington, D.C., becomes a battleground in the 1956 shocker "Earth vs. the Flying Saucers" (10:30 p.m., TCM).

SERIES NOTES

Diplomatic duty on "NCIS" (8 p.m., CBS, r, TV-PG, V) ... On two helpings of "Last Man Standing" (ABC, r, TV-PG): softball (8 p.m.), Kristen's significant other (8:30 p.m.).

A chance for a scholarship on "The Middle" (9 p.m., ABC, r, TV-PG) ... A country club Sweet 16 on "Suburgatory" (9:30 p.m., ABC, r, TV-PG).

LATE NIGHT

Justin Timberlake, Jon Ronson and Myq Kaplan are scheduled on "Conan" (11 p.m., TBS, r) ... Steve Martin and Felicity Jones are booked on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS, r) ... Jay Leno welcomes Sandra Bullock, Diablo Cody and Pink Martini on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC, r) ... Artie Lange, Nick DiPaolo, Atticus Shaffer and Lady Antebellum appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC, r) ... Craig Ferguson hosts Carey Mulligan and Paula Poundstone on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS, r).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

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