IS REALITY TV A HORROR, OR MERELY HORRIBLE?

-- Whenever reality TV shows bore me -- and that's practically all the time -- I like to reimagine them as grade-Z horror movies in the making. "The Bachelor" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-14) has always struck me as one fictional slasher short of entertaining: "She jumped in the hot tub, but she never got out! ... Then the warm, roiling bubbles turned as crimson as the rose she would never receive ..."

Now we're getting somewhere!

The new makeover series "The Amandas" (8 p.m., Style, TV-PG) doesn't quite rise to the level of horror, but it has the makings of a deeply disturbed psychological thriller.

Amanda LeBlanc is an attractive sorority type who was, we are told, one of the more renowned organizers and de-cluttering experts in New Orleans. Displaced by Hurricane Katrina, she relocated to Birmingham, Ala., where, she says, her business has thrived.

Only, her new outfit is not just about helping people clean out overstuffed closets. It's an all-encompassing cult of personality with very creepy overtones. Perky and humorless in the style of Temperance Brennan on "Bones," Amanda describes herself as a "perfectionist" and even claims she might be "a little OCD." She's shown micromanaging a tragically henpecked personal assistant, showing him how to put a spoon in a sugar bowl, "just so." Her attention to detail consumes her to the point that she's late getting out the door and driving her children to school.

Amanda would be tragic (and dull) enough on her own, but she has assembled a staff of self-described Southern belles with apparent self-esteem problems. It's not enough that they conform to her exacting and idiosyncratic standards; they must call themselves "Amandas," wondering aloud, "What would Amanda do?" They submit to the cult of Amanda in all ways. They have to renounce their own personalities and become a blank (or in this case, a "LeBlanc") slate before the dominant alpha female.

With a premise like this, an ordinary lifestyle show about organizing shelves seems a bit humdrum. This calls for the dark satire like the 1988 movie "Heathers" or, better still, the cheesy melodrama of a 1970s made-for-TV movie about covens. By the end of the proceedings, a young acolyte (I'd cast Kristy McNichol or Jodie Foster) must dispatch her tormentor (a pre-"Charlie's Angel" Kate Jackson, perhaps?) and take her rightful place before the bonfire as the faceless following chants her name: "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda!"

Now that's much more entertaining than something about purging your sock drawer!

-- Former Michigan Gov. Jennifer Granholm hosts "The War Room" (9 p.m., Vanguard), a new series discussing politics and policy. She joins a parade of former governors to get cable shows, including Mike Huckabee, Jesse Ventura, Eliot Spitzer and Sarah Palin.

-- "Inside the NSA" (9 p.m., National Geographic) offers the first documentary look at the intelligence agency since 9/11. The most secretive of the nation's spy organizations, its more than 35,000 employees must submit to the most rigorous scrutiny.

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- A homeless patient dreads a family reunion on "House" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-14).

-- A vintage bank robber resurfaces on "Alcatraz" (9 p.m., Fox, TV-14).

-- Keep the poltergeists guessing on "Castle" (10 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

-- "Unsung" (10 p.m., TV One) profiles Full Force.

CULT CHOICE

-- Joan Fontaine and Orson Welles star in the 1944 adaptation of "Jane Eyre" (8 p.m., TCM, TV-PG), featuring a stirring score by Bernard Herrmann.

SERIES NOTES

A possible wardrobe change on "How I Met Your Mother" (8 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... "Who's Still Standing?" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-PG) ... A musical dream sequence on "Gossip Girl" (8 p.m., CW, TV-14) ... Cupcake publicity on "2 Broke Girls" (8:30 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

Drama and decor on "Two and a Half Men" (9 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... "Fear Factor" (9 p.m., NBC, TV-14) ... The ins and outs of secret happiness on "Hart of Dixie" (9 p.m., CW, TV-PG) ... Cohabitation proves habit-forming on "Mike & Molly" (9:30 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

A Navy SEAL expires on "Hawaii Five-O" (10 p.m., CBS, r, TV-PG) ... "Rock Center With Brian Williams" (10 p.m., NBC).

LATE NIGHT

Maya Rudolph, Chris Gethard and Dale Earnhardt Jr. appear on "Conan" (11 p.m., TBS).

Jennifer Lopez and James McCartney are booked on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS) ... Jay Leno welcomes Madonna, Chris Colfer and Joe Perry on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC) ... Kate Walsh and Marc Maron appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC).

Glenn Close, Emmy Rossum and Nada Surf chat on "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" (12:35 a.m., NBC) ... Craig Ferguson hosts Don Cheadle and actress Andrea Riseborough on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

HBO DOMINATES WEEKEND WITH 'NAMATH' AND 'LUCK'

-- A divisive pop culture icon, cautionary tale and sports star all rolled into one, quarterback Joe Namath inspires a 90-minute film to match his multifaceted legend in "Namath" (8 p.m. Saturday, HBO).

By any measure, there have been better quarterbacks before and after Joe Namath, men with names like Unitas, Elway, Marino, Montana, Manning and Brady. But none of these players changed the game or personified a cultural fault line quite like "Broadway Joe."

"Namath" divides into four nearly equal parts. We begin and end with the touching backstory of a boy from the modest Pennsylvania steel town of Beaver Falls. We also have the standard sports hagiography, complete with Liev Schreiber narration. And no official NFL film would be complete without a swelling musical score that drowns nearly every scene in pathos and schmaltz. Namath played football very well. He did not part the Red Sea.

The best part of the film uses period footage to chronicle Namath's emergence as a bon vivant ladies' man, TV commercial star, clotheshorse, controversial saloon owner, Hollywood regular and talk show host during the swinging '60s. Want to see Joe with Truman Capote? Ann-Margret? Woody Allen? They're here!

While many of his crew-cut critics castigated him as a hippie, Namath was really the Elvis of professional football, ushering the NFL into the television age and broadening the game's audience to include women and young people, who had previously dismissed football as violent, Neanderthal and hopelessly square.

Like Elvis and Mickey Mantle, Namath was a small-town boy turned superstar let loose in a candy store of hedonism and excess that would be his undoing. Namath's private pain and public shame provide grist for the last quarter of the film.

Namath spends a lot of "Namath" alone, a man in a simple wooden chair answering questions -- a man who has grown perceptively older and, if the film is to believed, appreciably wiser, with the passage of time.

-- The new series "Luck" (9 p.m. Sunday, HBO, TV-MA) is the New York Yankees of television dramas, an enterprise so laden with talent, it inspires both awe and resentment.

Racetracks are natural settings for tragedy and comedy. Is there anything more exalted than a thoroughbred horse in action? Or more squalid than a hungover gambler desperate for one more score?

Dustin Hoffman stars as a Chester "Ace" Bernstein. We meet him in the opening moments as he's being released from prison after three years and meeting his driver and bodyguard, Gus (Dennis Farina), a man Ace has contrived to win a casino jackpot in order to act as the "owner" of Ace's $2 million Irish thoroughbred.

A former professor, "Luck" creator David Milch ("NYPD Blue," "Deadwood") knows his Shakespeare. And like the Bard, Milch modulates focus here, concentrating on the high and the low, the king and the fool. The best parts (and the moments closest to levity) involve four degenerate gamblers: Marcus (Kevin Dunn), Renzo (Ritchie Coster), Jerry (Jason Gedrick), and Lonnie (Ian Hart). They're eager for a big payday and clueless how to handle good fortune. There are also subplots involving a cryptic horse trainer (John Ortiz) and his veterinarian lover (Jill Hennessy), and any number of riders who are literally jockeying for our attention.

Directed by Michael Mann ("Miami Vice," "Manhunter"), "Luck" looks like nothing else on television. It's hard to take your eyes off it. At the same time, the relentless emphasis on neon visuals can be off-putting, particularly when a story unfolds in fits and starts.

I'll admit, I found "Luck" a bit annoying for the first 20 minutes or so. It seemed like a music video occasionally interrupted by cryptic dialogue or, in the case of Nick Nolte's character, an oddball horse owner, monologue. But halfway through the pilot, I found myself hooked.

I promised myself I would try to avoid the gambling puns and racetrack cliches, but I can't conclude without at least one: Hold on, "Luck" is one heck of a ride.

SATURDAY'S HIGHLIGHTS

-- Luke Perry stars in the Western "Goodnight for Justice: The Measure of a Man" (8 p.m., Hallmark Movie Channel).

-- U.S. Figure Skating Championships (9 p.m., NBC).

-- Will Ferrell spoofs the world of figure skating in the 2007 comedy "Blades of Glory" (9 p.m., ABC, TV-14).

-- Paul's emerging powers test his friendships on "The Fades" (9 p.m., BBC America, TV-14).

-- An oil rig strikes a lava flow in the 2012 shocker "Swamp Volcano" (9 p.m., Syfy, TV-PG).

-- Scheduled on "48 Hours Mystery" (10 p.m., CBS): Young love leads to a mother's murder.

-- Liam Neeson, Patrick Stewart and Alan Davies appear on "The Graham Norton Show" (10:15 p.m., BBC America, TV-14).

SUNDAY'S HIGHLIGHTS

-- Scheduled on "60 Minutes" (7 p.m., CBS): Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, exotic hunting ranches.

-- The best from both conferences (except members of the Super Bowl teams) meet in the 2012 NFL Pro Bowl (8 p.m., NBC).

-- Jeremy Irons gives voice to Moe's special friend on "The Simpsons" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-PG).

-- Richard Schiff ("West Wing") guest-stars on "Once Upon a Time" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

-- The case against Will is strong on "The Good Wife" (9 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

-- A special education teacher (John Corbett) takes his class to NASA's exclusive space camp in the 2012 drama "A Smile as Big as the Moon" (9 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

-- War wounds, seen and unseen, loom large on "Downton Abbey" (9 p.m., PBS, check local listings).

-- "Missions That Changed the War: Enola Gay" (9 p.m., Military, TV-G) recalls the B-29 that delivered the first atomic bomb.

CULT CHOICE

It's a Swayze shade of winter on AMC as "Road House" (8 p.m. Sunday, TV-14) gives way to "Red Dawn" (10:30 p.m., TV-PG).

SATURDAY SERIES

Russell shows off on "Rules of Engagement" (8 p.m., CBS, r, TV-PG) ... Jason Alexander guest-stars on "Harry's Law" (8 p.m., NBC, r, TV-14) ... Bludgeoned on "UFC" (8 p.m., Fox) ... "Wipeout" (9 p.m., ABC, r, TV-PG) ... An invitation out of the blue on "Mike & Molly" (8:30 p.m., CBS, r, TV-PG) ... Hoarding can be murder on "CSI: NY" (9 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

SUNDAY SERIES

"Undercover Boss" (8 p.m., CBS, TV-PG) ... A cat hybrid demystified on "Napoleon Dynamite" (8:30 p.m., Fox, TV-PG) ... Faith healers on "Family Guy" (9 p.m., Fox, TV-14) ... Duffers on "American Dad" (9:30 p.m., Fox, TV-14) ... A fatal descent on "CSI: Miami" (10 p.m., CBS, TV-PG).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

** ** **

'BERING' TAKES THINGS TO EXTREMES

Cable has become a place where men and women go to get away from each other. Every night, there are millions of women watching marathons of shows about cakes, weddings and dresses, while guys wallow in macho daydreams like "Gold Rush" (9 p.m., Discovery) or its more extreme and ridiculous incarnation, "Bering Sea Gold" (10 p.m., Discovery).

On old-school sitcoms, Ralph Kramden (or his many sitcom descendants) would hatch a harebrained, get-rich scheme in act one, run amok in act two and have Alice dutifully reel him back to reality as she read him the riot act by act three.

On cable, and in Alaska, the men are pretty much left to their own devices. And things get out of hand. Right away. All the time.

"Bering" introduces most people to a rather novel way of mining. Ships leave Nome, Alaska, and either dredge or vacuum the sea bottom for tiny gold nuggets and sandlike particles. Even if this took place in Miami's Biscayne Bay, it would be a difficult, dangerous and highly mechanized effort. But this is Nome, where the water temperature rarely gets above 45 degrees -- even when it's "nice" outside.

Common sense dictates that industrial mining near the Arctic Circle is no place for a solo freelancer. But common sense makes for bad reality TV. Four boats appear on "Bering," one more jerry-rigged than the next. A sunken one belongs to Ian, a burnt-out social worker. The largest craft, the Christine Rose, has lost its steering and propulsion mechanism, so the genius crew decides to venture forth, "paddling" as they go with the scoop of an enormous backhoe. It works well. Until it doesn't. The Wild Ranger has functional motors, but a dysfunctional crew.

The most adventurous mining rig, the Clark, looks like a glorified rubber dinghy laden with equipment. It's captained by Zeke, a bearded dreamer, and his non-girlfriend companion, Emily. She's basically what passes for eye candy in this soggy Thunderdome wasteland.

Like most stars of these kinds of shows, Zeke is desperate for cash, having recently run up nearly $190,000 in hospital bills.

That little detail makes one wonder: What if Zeke had health insurance? He might not be so broke and so motivated to be on a show as foolish and contrived as "Bering Sea Gold"! And that would surely be a blow to American exceptionalism.

-- Speaking of macho daydreams, "Spartacus: Vengeance" (10 p.m., Starz, TV-MA) returns for a second season. Liam McIntyre has assumed the title role after the death of Andy Whitfield.

The many fight scenes employ special effects that don't even try to differentiate the drama from video games. The violence is relentless, the nudity gratuitous and the dialogue a preposterous blend of fake Shakespeare and 21st-century obscenity. By my unscientific count, "Spartacus" has the most throat slashings per hour of any show I've endured. Epic spectacle for an unabashedly unsophisticated audience, "Spartacus" makes "Game of Thrones" look like "My Dinner With Andre."

-- "Great Performances" (9 p.m., PBS, check local listings) presents "Tony Bennett: Duets II," featuring collaborations with Lady Gaga, Amy Winehouse, Queen Latifah, Michael Buble and others.

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- On two episodes of "Chuck" (NBC): Sarah's secret (8 p.m., TV-PG), Chuck's last hurrah (9 p.m., TV-14). The second episode is the series finale.

-- A return to some past triumphs on "Kitchen Nightmares" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-14).

-- "Need to Know" (8:30 p.m., PBS) looks at the Florida GOP primary with an emphasis on the concerns of older voters.

-- Inventions related to cats, trucks and sales are unveiled on "Shark Tank" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

-- A girl exhibits a gift of prophecy on "Fringe" (9 p.m., Fox, TV-14).

-- A couple goes to extreme lengths to get their son into an elite school on "Portlandia" (10 p.m., IFC, TV-14).

CULT CHOICE

The desperate husband (Sam Neill) of a faithless wife (Isabelle Adjani) discovers there may be worse things than adultery in the disturbing 1981 shocker "Possession" (2 a.m., TCM).

SERIES NOTES

From NFL glory to homelessness on "A Gifted Man" (8 p.m., CBS, r, TV-PG) ... Percy hatches a scheme on "Nikita" (8 p.m., CW, r, TV-PG).

Deadly teenage angst on "CSI: NY" (9 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... Ethical dilemmas on "Primetime: What Would You Do?" (9 p.m., ABC) ... Dean faces cosmic justice on "Supernatural" (9 p.m., CW, r, TV-14).

Erin reopens one of Frank's cases on "Blue Bloods" (10 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

LATE NIGHT

Dolly Parton and Alan Zweibel appear on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS, r) ... Jay Leno welcomes President Barack Obama and Yo-Yo Ma on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC, r).

Daniel Radcliffe, Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Common visit "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" (12:35 a.m., NBC, r) ... Craig Ferguson visits the Moulin Rouge on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS, r), broadcast from Paris.

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

DAMAGE CONTROL RUNS AMOK ON '30 ROCK'

It's probably never a good idea to call your audience a bunch of idiots. That's the problem facing Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) on "30 Rock" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-14), continuing a theme from last week.

Faced with a boycott of her show and its network by gay people insulted by Tracy Jordan's (Tracy Morgan) thoughtless taunts, Liz issues a non-apology apology. She blames the problem not on mean-spirited bias, but Tracy's idiocy. Not one to take this lying down, Tracy organizes a boycott of the network by viewers and ordinary citizens who consider themselves idiots, most notably actress Denise Richards (as herself), who has made a career of not seeming all that bright.

This two-part episode makes sly references to actor Tracy Morgan's real life anti-gay rant that made minor headlines last summer. It's also an oblique way for the show's writers to mock a TV audience that's not exactly turning out in significant numbers to watch their show.

Perhaps they're making a sly putdown of the folks who prefer "American Idol" and more formulaic CBS comedies to the Emmy-winning "30 Rock." Last week, "The Big Bang Theory" had nearly four times as many total viewers as Fey's show.

Cable money expert Suze Orman guest-stars on another episode of "30 Rock" (9 p.m., TV-14).

-- Speaking of "American Idol" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-PG), the series just isn't the ratings steamroller it was last season. Its premiere audience was down 25 percent from 2011. Last Thursday, "The Big Bang Theory" had a slightly larger 18-49 year-old audience than the first half hour of "Idol."

-- JB Smoove hosts "Russell Simmons Presents The Ruckus" (10 p.m. and 10:30 p.m., Comedy Central, TV-MA), a six-part standup showcase featuring a short introduction followed by four brief routines from comics both emerging and established.

-- A more analytical approach to joke telling follows on "Inside Comedy" (11 p.m., Showtime). Veteran comic David Steinberg will host 10 half-hour interviews with some of the world's most acclaimed comics, including Chris Rock, Ellen DeGeneres and Jerry Seinfeld, as well as veteran funnymen Mel Brooks, Don Rickles and Jonathan Winters.

-- Airing not long after Paula Deen announced her diabetes, "Fat Chef" (10 p.m., Food) discusses the battles with obesity faced by kitchen professionals and offers advice from diet and fitness experts.

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- Four men contend with superpowers in the 2006 fantasy "The Covenant" (8 p.m., CW, TV-14).

-- A rocket scientist needs to relocate a mystery woman on "The Finder" (9 p.m., Fox, TV-PG).

-- A gambler becomes a murder defendant on "The Firm" (10 p.m., NBC, TV-14).

-- The guys suddenly discover their relative poverty on "Unsupervised" (10:30 p.m., FX, TV-MA).

CULT CHOICE

-- When folks recall John Goodman's remarkable career, they'll probably overlook his starring role in the 1994 cartoon adaptation of "The Flintstones" (7 p.m., ABC Family, TV-PG). Elizabeth Taylor also stars. Neither returned in 2000 for "The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas" (9 p.m., ABC Family, TV-PG).

SERIES NOTES

Raj has a Siri-ous crush on "The Big Bang Theory" (8 p.m., CBS, TV-PG) ... "Wipeout" (8 p.m., ABC, r, TV-PG) ... Pillow talk on "Rob" (8:30 p.m., CBS, TV-PG) ... Bowling for dollars on "Parks and Recreation" (8:30 p.m., NBC, TV-PG).

Cold War relics return on "Person of Interest" (9 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... An accident victim's family has an agonizing choice on "Grey's Anatomy" (9 p.m., ABC, r, TV-14) ... Adventures in baby-sitting on "Up All Night" (9:30 p.m., NBC, r, TV-14) ... A personal trainer feels the burn on "The Mentalist" (10 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... Peter lingers on the brink on "Private Practice" (10 p.m., ABC, r, TV-14).

LATE NIGHT

Tilda Swinton is scheduled on "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" (11 p.m., Comedy Central) ... Cuba Gooding Jr., Jon Heder and They Might Be Giants appear on "Conan" (11 p.m., TBS) ... Drew Barrymore sits down on "The Colbert Report" (11:30 p.m., Comedy Central).

Regis Philbin and John Fogerty are on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS, r) ... Jay Leno welcomes Jim Parsons, Meghan McCain and Tom Morello with Ben Harper on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC, r) ... Andre Agassi, JB Smoove and Seal appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC).

Queen Latifah, Miranda Cosgrove and John Mulaney are on "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" (12:35 a.m., NBC, r) ... Craig Ferguson visits the Palace of Versailles on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS, r).

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

A WORLD WITHOUT HUGS AND A PLOT FULL OF HOLES

-- Kiefer Sutherland returns to the Fox lineup in "Touch" (9 p.m., TV-PG). He's not Jack Bauer, but Martin Bohm, a sorely overextended single dad whose wife died on Sept. 11. His 11-year-old son, Jake (David Mazouz), has never uttered a word. He refuses to be hugged or even touched. Experts say he's autistic, but Martin believes that Jake's fascination with numbers may be more than a retreat to an inner world. It could be his advanced way of communicating.

Over the course of the pilot, we discover that Jake can see interconnectivity in numbers that gives him insights beyond the comprehension of most mere mortals. These numbers provide codes and clues that Martin tries desperately to decipher, even as social workers attempt to take Jake away from him.

Danny Glover appears for about 30 seconds as a mystic and professor who declares that Jake and other children like him are part of some new wrinkle in evolution, a hint of humans to come; they can see the wondrous connections in all of existence. If a plot about an advanced race with super abilities sounds familiar, it's because "Touch" was written and created by Tim Kring, the man behind "Heroes."

Words like "interconnectivity" and "synchronicity" offer a nice spin on an old-fashioned term: "coincidence." And any drama filled with too many coincidences often seems contrived. "Touch" has a menu of nothing but coincidences served over a steaming bowl of Hollywood New Age gumbo.

There's a subplot about a cellphone traveling around the world from one suitcase to another. The phone contains images and information that may save one London man's marriage, turn an anonymous Irish singer into a superstar or transform a goofy Iraqi teen into a suicide bomber. It's all presented with a breathless wonder that insists we overlook any lapses in logic and common sense. It's like "Crash" on steroids.

For all of its excesses, "Touch" might be easier to take if it didn't hobble so awkwardly on the crutches of such heavily loaded subjects -- the heartbreak of childhood autism and the tragedy of Sept. 11.

Perhaps the greatest mystery surrounding "Touch" is Fox's decision to air the pilot tonight and then ask viewers to wait until March 19 for the series to resume. I'm not sure viewers will make that connection.

-- "Mystery of a Masterpiece" on "NOVA" (9 p.m., PBS) looks at forensic technology that combats the illegal traffic of stolen paintings and helps art history scholars tell genuine masterpieces from forgeries.

-- "In Tahrir Square: 18 Days of Egypt's Unfinished Revolution" (8 p.m., HBO2) recalls a political earthquake one year later.

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- Auditions continue on "American Idol" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-PG).

-- An accountant scams celebrity clients in the season premiere of "American Greed" (9 p.m., CNBC).

-- Catherine Willows (Marg Helgenberger) departs on "CSI" (10 p.m., CBS, TV-14).

-- A convicted serial killer provides clues to investigators on the new series "Dark Minds" (10 p.m., ID, TV-14).

-- Rock-and-rollers fall ill on "Royal Pains" (10 p.m., USA, TV-PG).

CULT CHOICE

Troubled couples (Peter Finch, Angela Lansbury, Arthur Hill and Jane Fonda) vacation together in the 1963 melodrama "In the Cool of the Day" (5:45 a.m., TCM).

SERIES NOTES

On two episodes of "Criminal Minds" (CBS, TV-14): a Boise bloodbath (8 p.m., r), Houston's problem (9 p.m.) ... Codependence on "Whitney" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-14) ... Local theater on "The Middle" (8 p.m., ABC, r, TV-PG) ... Haley flounders on "One Tree Hill" (8 p.m., CW, TV-14) ... A date for Dee Dee on "Are You There, Chelsea?" (8:30 p.m., NBC, TV-14) ... Chauffeur duty on "Suburgatory" (8:30 p.m., ABC, r, TV-14).

Claire's civic duty on "Modern Family" (9 p.m., ABC, r, TV-PG) ... On two repeats of "Law & Order: SVU" (NBC, TV-14): an ex-NFL star bottoms out (9 p.m.), a coach's suspected abuse (10 p.m.) ... South Dakota beckons on "Remodeled" (9 p.m., CW, r, TV-14) ... Brad's evasion on "Happy Endings" (9:30 p.m., ABC, r, TV-14) ... Media scrutiny scuttles a happy anniversary on "Revenge" (10 p.m., ABC, r, TV-PG).

LATE NIGHT

Paula Broadwell visits "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" (11 p.m., Comedy Central) ... Elizabeth Banks, Timothy Olyphant and John Mulaney appear on "Conan" (11 p.m., TBS) ... Terry Gross chats on "The Colbert Report" (11:30 p.m., Comedy Central).

Scarlett Johansson, Julie Chen and Robert Griffin III are booked on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS, r) ... Jay Leno welcomes Robin Williams, Drew Hastings and Vince Gill on "The Tonight Show" (11:35 p.m., NBC, r) ... Cuba Gooding Jr., Sara Hyland and Big Freedia appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC).

Rosie O'Donnell, Donnie Wahlberg and Robin Thicke visit "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" (12:35 a.m., NBC, r) ... Craig Ferguson hosts Jean-Michel Cousteau on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS, r) from Paris.

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)

STATE OF THE UNION: LONG ON DRAMA AND DECORUM

-- Look for network and cable schedules to make way for the State of the Union address (9 p.m. on CBS, NBC, Fox, ABC, MSNBC, Fox News). It's not a TV show, but it is filled with drama.

Among the many burdens of the presidency is the need to combine the practical aspects of the job with the pomp and even majesty of executive office. Great Britain divides these jobs between the prime minister and the king or queen, but here in the United States, it all falls upon the president.

Sometimes people fear the president acts in too "imperial" a manner, and, at other times, folks wish he'd look or behave with more executive flourish. Elected after Watergate, Jimmy Carter made a point of wearing jeans and carrying his own luggage. Four years later he was defeated by Ronald Reagan, who put a more formal stamp on his presidential style.

With or without Hollywood experience, being the president is a tough act. Tonight marks the one time of year that the president reports to Congress with his wish list of policy goals and a litany of missions accomplished. The live address to Congress is a tradition that dates to Woodrow Wilson, and, like any ritual, it is long on show and decorum. With rare exceptions, everybody is on their best behavior.

That may prove a bit harder tonight, since we're already knee-deep into an election year and partisan feelings are running high. However, there have been years when the addresses were even more awkward. In 1974, Richard Nixon delivered an address to a Congress all but certain to vote on his impeachment. (It did.) And in 1999, Bill Clinton addressed House members who had just voted to impeach him and Senate members about to vote on a conviction that would remove him from office. (They did, but the vote did not carry.) Despite the "High Noon" atmosphere, both speeches were delivered without incident and have since been forgotten. The Republic endured.

-- As the second season of "Joan and Melissa: Joan Knows Best?" (9 p.m., WE) opens, the famously foul-mouthed comic Joan Rivers now lives in her daughter's basement. She thinks nothing of spouting obscenities around the kids and wasting everybody's time obsessing about yet another round of plastic surgery. It's contrived and predictable, even by the low standards of this tired genre.

-- Gamers find the tables turned when a mystical portal transports them inside a virtual world on the series premiere of "Level Up" (8 p.m., Cartoon Network).

-- Perhaps the only way to stand out amid the glut of auction and memorabilia programming is to specialize. "All-Star Dealers" (8 p.m., Discovery) focuses on sports collectibles and items belonging to famous athletes. First up: a visit to Dennis Rodman's storage locker, and a search to discover if a jersey said to belong to Dan Marino was actually owned by the famous Miami Dolphin.

-- "Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel" (10 p.m., HBO) meets with the NBA's Van Gundy brothers; visits a high school football team that never punts; and returns to the story of Barret Robbins, an NFL player who failed to show up for a Super Bowl game.

-- TV-themed DVDs available today include "Underdog: The Complete Collector's Edition."

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- Schuester's boot camp opens on "Glee" (8 p.m., Fox, r, TV-14).

-- A glance back at odd clips on "Dirty Jobs" (9 p.m., Discovery).

-- Embezzlement is on a high school's curriculum on "White Collar" (10 p.m., USA, TV-PG).

-- Tang and Cooper come under attack on "Southland" (10 p.m., TNT, TV-14).

-- An officer's murder investigation makes for strange bedfellows on "Justified" (10 p.m., FX, TV-14).

CULT CHOICE

James Coburn stars as a suave super-agent in the 1967 spoof "In Like Flint" (8 p.m., TCM).

SERIES NOTES

Evidence points to McGee's grandmother on "NCIS" (8 p.m., CBS, r, TV-PG, V) ... "The Biggest Loser" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-PG) ... On two episodes of "Last Man Standing" (ABC, r, TV-PG): dinner plans (8 p.m.) and a close shave for a barber (8:30 p.m.) ... The past eclipses the present on "90210" (8 p.m., CW, TV-PG, L).

A trip to South Dakota on "Remodeled" (9 p.m., CW, TV-14) ... Leonard feels used on "The Big Bang Theory" (10:30 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... Halloween horrors on "Happy Endings" (10:30 p.m., ABC, r, TV-14).

LATE NIGHT

Sam Worthington, Adam Winrich and Julia Nunes appear on "Conan" (11 p.m., TBS) ... Placido Domingo sits down on "The Colbert Report" (11:30 p.m., Comedy Central).

Tina Fey, Jeremy Irvine and the Barr Brothers are booked on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS, r) ... Elizabeth Banks, Ben McKenzie and the Airborne Toxic Event appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC) ... Craig Ferguson hosts Kristen Bell, Eddie Izzard and Jean Reno on "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS, r).

WHY DOES A SMART GUY LIKE ANDREW ZIMMERN MAKE SUCH DUMB TV?

-- "Bizarre Foods America" (10 p.m., Travel, TV-PG) returns for a season of domestic consumption. Culinary adventurer Andrew Zimmern explores the 50 states to sample unusual entrees like smoked raccoon and guinea pig.

Describing food or, more to the point, putting the eating experience into words, is a difficult task requiring real talent. And few do it as well as Andrew Zimmern. Anthony Bourdain's "The Layover" and "No Reservations" are long on post-punk attitude and cultural observation. Far too often Tony can be at a loss for words while tucking into a meal. He resorts to such phrases as "that's incredible" when far more nuanced evocations are required. In contrast, Zimmern has a refined palate, a quick tongue and a mad scientist's ability to break a meal down to its chemical components as he's tasting, swallowing and describing it. He's often a wonder to behold.

That's why I find his devotion to the back alleys of extreme eating so frequently disappointing. It's one thing to occasionally push viewers past their comfort zone; it's quite another to forever dwell on revolting, shock-value cuisine. Call me a snob, but the continual focus on gross-out gourmet is trite and adolescent. Zimmern is far smarter and more interesting than "Bizarre." It's like watching a trained ballet dancer reduced to "Jackass" stunts.

-- "American Masters" (10 p.m., PBS, check local listings) presents "Phil Ochs: There But for Fortune," a profile of the prolific folk singer whose commitment to political activism and social change gave way to alcoholism and mental illness as the contentious 1960s ended and the more "mellow" 1970s unfolded. Ochs took his own life in 1976. "Fortune" was released theatrically last winter.

Like far too many documentaries about the 1960s, the tone here ranges from somber to reverent. We're frequently told that Ochs had a sense of whimsy and the absurd, but there's little humor on display here. Too little effort is made to discuss Ochs' influences on contemporary music. The band They Might Be Giants has covered Ochs' material and occasionally sounds like him. Is the band interviewed here? No. That might be too entertaining and run against the grain of this earnest profile.

This PBS program does not enjoy universal carriage, so if it doesn't air tonight, it may appear later this week.

TONIGHT'S OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

-- A medical test goes horribly wrong on "House" (8 p.m., Fox, TV-14).

-- A child killer returns five decades later on "Alcatraz" (9 p.m., Fox, TV-14). This drama's premiere last Monday attracted more initial viewers than the premiere episode of the more heavily hyped "Terra Nova."

-- An ex-Marine gets a note from the city on "Hoarders" (9 p.m., A&E, TV-PG).

-- A contempt-of-court citation puts an attorney behind bars on "First Week In" (9 p.m., Discovery, TV-14).

-- A woodland fae says "boo" to Bo on "Lost Girl" (10 p.m., Syfy, TV-MA).

-- Anthony Bourdain crams in some quality time eating his way through Los Angeles on "The Layover" (9 p.m., Travel, TV-PG).

-- The governor makes a new appointment on "Hawaii Five-O" (10 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

-- A reality television star falls under suspicion after the death of a dog trainer on "Castle" (10 p.m., ABC, TV-PG).

-- "Unsung" (10 p.m., TV One) chronicles R&B singer Freddie Jackson's "struggles with shifting musical tastes, financial ruin and obesity."

CULT CHOICE

A woman discovers that her millionaire husband is insane in the 1949 drama "Caught" (9:30 p.m., TCM), directed by Max Ophuls and starring James Mason, Barbara Bel Geddes and Robert Ryan.

SERIES NOTES

The past is a drag on Marshall's future on "How I Met Your Mother" (8 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... "Who's Still Standing?" (8 p.m., NBC, TV-PG) ... "The Bachelor" (8 p.m., ABC, TV-14) ... Blair's bachelorette party on "Gossip Girl" (8 p.m., CW, TV-14) ... Cleaning up after a hoarder on "2 Broke Girls" (8:30 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

Jake's teacher fixates on Walden on "Two and a Half Men" (9 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14) ... "Fear Factor" (9 p.m., NBC, TV-14) ... Family history on "Hart of Dixie" (9 p.m., CW, TV-PG) ... A surprise gift on "Mike & Molly" (9:30 p.m., CBS, r, TV-14).

LATE NIGHT

Casey Anderson and Wilco appear on "Conan" (11 p.m., TBS) ... Bruce Bueno de Mesquita sits down on "The Colbert Report" (11:30 p.m., Comedy Central).

Mark Wahlberg, Heather Morris and Snow Patrol are booked on "Late Show With David Letterman" (11:35 p.m., CBS, r) ... Bear Grylls and Young the Giant appear on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" (midnight, ABC).

Craig Ferguson hosts "The Late Late Show" (12:35 a.m., CBS, r) from Paris.

(Kevin McDonough can be reached at kevin.tvguy@gmail.com.)